Warning: Do not read on if you do not enjoy a good old I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself Eeyore-type sob post. AND do not read on if you want to be uplifted or feel positive and optimistic about infertility or life in general.
BUT do read on if you feel like crap and subscribe to the belief that misery enjoys company.
AND do read on if you are craving empathy because you are hyped up on an insane amount of unnatural drugs and feel like lashing out at someone, anyone.... throwing something even, preferably something really expensive and breakable that does not belong to you... because life is unfair and even though you rationally know that it is unfair and you just have to accept it and 'it is what it is' as they say.... and all those other pretty beautifully poetic platitude crap might be believable tomorrow..but today the unfairness just plain sucks! sucks! sucks! As in, bites the big one!! As in, no person should ever ever be permitted to inject this much fake hormone into their body and then run free in the streets. As in, I am not responsible for what I do or say officer. Just check my E2 levels at the clinic. That'll explain it all. And I'm pretty sure that evidence is permissable in the court of law..... Ah but I digress:)
Now that that is out of my system, I can give you a report on my latest and certainly not greatest IVF cycle. It began by moving in a reasonably smooth direction. I have been taking the lowest dose of gonal-f that is typically prescribed, 75 units (not sure exactly what the unit is... perhaps gonal-f should be measured in madness... as in 75 units of madness is being injected into my body daily). I had 9 follies on day 5 which is allegedly quite a respectable count. All along the nurse kept telling me I would likely get about 11 eggs at the time of the retrieval. Again. Respectable. Perhaps not as good as my last retrieval which yielded 18 eggs, but they told me from the get-go that I would have fewer eggs with the goal of achieving quality over quantity this go round. And so each morning, the nurse told me that all was looking good and my retrieval would likely be Monday with about 11 eggs.
Fast forward to today. A new nurse enters. Perhaps the weekend nurse? She tells me that if I trigger today I will get 3 mature eggs. If I trigger tomorrow we might MIGHT MIGHT be able to get seven. OKAY. Not the end of the world. Seven eggs with a retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday. Interferes SIGNIFICANTLY with my work schedule, but I can live with that. But BEST CASE SCENARIO SEVEN EGGS!!! Grrrrrr...... My brain erupted with completely unjustified, 100% distorted anger! I had 11 bloody eggs for my IUI when I only wanted 3 and now I'm lucky if I get SEVEN!
As I drove home and my mind was swimming with completely unfounded anger, which is probably my way of covering up the true feeling that is running the show... fear and worry.... that I will be disappointed yet again. That this is the end of the road. The end of a dream. The final curtain closing with no hope for an encore.
In my swimmingly angry (masking fearful) mind, I did the math. I, of course, imagined the worse. I compared the numbers to my last IVF cycle and decided that, based on sound statistical mathematics (see below), I certainly will have no embryos survive:
15 (or 83%) mature
6 (or 40%) fertilized
6 embryos made it to day 3
This cycle (hypothetical based on last cycle):
6 (if I'm lucky) mature
2 embryo make it to day 3
BUT my RE wants me to go to day 5..... which means I only have two embryo to fight the difficult five day battle................ which will obviously result in ZERO survivors.
So there you have. Sound proof that the whole world is unfair. This cycle is a complete bust. The world is coming to a swift and painful end. (fear not - that last paragraph is not intended to be my final cry for help.... just mocking myself and the spazzy way my mind can work)
In an attempt to prevent my spiralling mind from circling into the depths of insanity, I will try to conjure up the rational part of my brain that has been temporarily rendered inactive due to the 75 (X9) units of madness that have been injected into my body.
Here goes. The positive self-talk that is eeking up from below the mess of hormonal madness,which is barely audible at times.
It only takes one! ONE! ONE!!!! ONE embryo to make my dream become a reality.
I am using ICSI rather than regular old IVF this time, which may help with the somewhat abysmal fertility rate and give me a few more embryos to fight it out to day 5. I may have better quality eggs this time, which is the goal. BUT Most importantly - negativity sucks! It sucks the life out of me and everyone around me and, beyond that, it certainly doesn't help the situation.... EVER!
Reminds me of one of the most inspirational quotes that I have encountered during this journey:
If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose? ~Robert Brault
Today I am trying desperately to continue to choose hope.