Saturday, March 19, 2011

Operation BD. Status: Failed!

Operation BD sounded like a fun idea.  No early morning dildo cams (this is my friend's pet name for the always-lovely vaginal ultrasound machine).  No needles.  Just plain old school BDing.  Sounded simple.  Fun even.... NOT! 

The operation started off well enough.  My DH and I were away on vacation.  I had the OPK strips in tow, ready to pinpoint my ovulation day without any high-tech cameras or ultrasounds.

Sounded perfect.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  Apparently.. A LOT... this is my infertily life, afterall.  At the root of failed operation BD were two main problems.

1.  OPKs were ALWAYS positive!!!  Two equally dark lines, each and every morning.  Either the double dose of clomid was causing me to ovulate 24/7 OR the clomid was causing some sort of false positive errror with the OPK strips.  Grrrr......either way it is a cruel joke!  My hopes of positive OPKs quickly turned to dreams of making the false positives go away already!!

But worse than that...

2.  DH became ridiculously ill with the flu while we were away.  Is it wrong to seriously consider trying to BD with someone who has been practically unconscious for three days straight?  Even in my most desperate moments (which have been many, I might add), the hacking noises coming out of his body clearly indicated some fairly disgusting bodily fluids... which served to remind me that BDing at this time, despite the fact that I may have been ovulating 24/7 (haha), was a distinct impossibility!  Double Grrrrr....... 

So much for going old school!  See ya next month dildo cam!


Thursday, March 10, 2011

You Can't Win With Me.

I posted this on my resolve board, but thought I'd share here too.

I sort of chuckled to myself the other day when I had a negative reaction to my LITTLE brother's first ultrasound experience (side note: he got pregnant after trying for ONE month,, uh huh, that is correct, ONE month... thirty days.... not that I'm bitter or anything.... no bitterness here....)

I'll recount...
Me: How did the ultrasound go? (trying to put on a happy face and be supportive)
Brother: No big deal. I only got to go in the room for a few seconds and could barely see a thing. We just got to hear the heartbeat.
My thoughts: How ungrateful. He got to see his baby's heartbeat and he didn't even appreciate it!!

BUT... if my brother had responded differently and had become overexcited about the experience, I bet it would have gone something like this:

Me: How did the ultrasound go?
Brother: It was so amazing. I was shedding joyful tears when I heard the heartbeat. I can't even explain how excited I am.
My thoughts would have been: How horrible of him to flaunt his excitement in my face. He knows what I'm going through and, out of respect, he should have at least downplayed the experience.

And a few other examples of my disastrous, twisted mind....

My thoughts when a pregnant friend left me off of her group email update on her pregnancy progress: How horrible of her to leave me off the email. Does she think that I am too sensitive and vulnerable? Does she think that she is better than me! I should be given the choice as to whether or not I want to read the email. Damn pregnant women everywhere!!!

My thoughts when another pregnant friend included me on her email to update her pregnancy process: Seriously? Do I really need to see this. Did she really need to include me on this? Why is she rubbing it in my face when she knows what I am going through! How terribly insensitive. Damn pregnant people everywhere!!

My thoughts when my mother-in-law (kindly) said that they are happy with just me and DH, without grandkids:  She has seriously given up all hope for me ever having kids.  I can't believe she implied that I will never be pregnant and never give her grandkids.  Insensitive or what?

My thoughts when my friend (with 2 kids) said, I know that it will definitely happen for you eventually:  How the heck does she know that it will happen for me eventually.  She has no idea what will happen to me eventually.  Easy for her to say.  Insensitive or what?

Thank goodness for my highly refined acting skills and my ability to keep my thoughts just where they belong... inside my head... never to reveal their psychotic-ness..... heehee.....


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The New Plan

I am always pleasantly surprised at how patient, kind and understanding my new RE is.  She actually listens to my concerns and takes the time to answer all of my questions.  A most refreshing change from my old RE's horrible bedside manner.

Well... the good news is... my ovaries look 'young', my hormones are appropriate and I'm not going into menopause any time soon (phew).  The bad news body continues to refuse to get pregnant!!

So here is the new plan:

I doubled my dose of clomid (up to 100 mg) for this month and, since I will be away while I am ovulating, I am going old school.  Good ol' BDing..  Although fun, I'm not holding out tons of hope...

So next month... back to the IUIs.  I have to decide whether I want to do injectibles or try it with a double dose of clomid.  I am concerned because my body responded horrifically to injectibles while doing IVF.  And my husband is really against me doing anything to myself that could compromise my health.  He sweetly said, "Your health is way more important to me than having a baby."  (sob, sob).

Knowing that doubling my clomid dose gives me about a 50% chance of getting more follies... and injectibles will likely result in more follies but could make me feel like crap.... I am really struggling to decide.  I would welcome any thoughts from all of you experts out there. 


Monday, March 7, 2011

WWW Meeting Tomorrow...

I am meeting with my RE tomorrow and, for the first time in my infertile history, I have absolutely no idea what to do next.  I have officially exhausted my list of ideas.  If only I knew what was causing my repeated failures.  Are my eggs moldy, old and rotten?  Is my uterus hostile and issuing a no trespassing rule to all embryos? 

I am fairly certain that my DH, with his 'superman' and 'studly' sperm, is not the problem.  I HATE that, with all the advances in technology, there is no explanation for why a seemingly basic function of the human body is impossible for me to attain.  They can build a freaking robot that can crush Ken Jennings in a Jeopardy game, but they can't figure out how to get my body to do what the simplest of species have been easily accomplishing for years!!!  It makes me crazy sometimes.  Why can't those damn computer-building scientists create a  robotic uterus simulator  that has a 100% implantation  and live birthing success rate. Is that too much to ask?

Barring the uterus-robot option (which I can't imagine my RE taking seriously, despite its serious marketing potential), I really have to think about what I should do next.  I am going in with some more and less radical options to discuss:

1.  Another round of IUI with injectibles
2.  Another round of IVF with OE (although I am seriously afraid that the side effects of these medications will be as rough on my body as they were last time).
3.  Donor Eggs - I am pretty okay with the idea of not being genetically related to my child.  Unfortunately,  my DH is far more attached to his own genes (hence, the hold-up on considering adoption which I REALLY would love to do).
4.  Surrogacy

My mind and spirit are eternally willing to do whatever it takes to become a mom... sadly, my body seems to have a different idea thus far.....  *sigh*

I shall keep you posted.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Dear Cycle Day One

Dear Cycle Day One,

I am writing to express my extreme dislike for you and everything that you stand for!!!  I hate the way you dash dreams and stomp on hope.  And, you don't stop there oh evil cycle day one.  In case there is a moment's relief from your emotional torture, you deal out your second weapon.........  the physical punches and cramps to the uterus!!!  Really?  Really Cycle Day 1?  What have I ever done to you?  Are you dealing with some sort of repressed rage from your childhood?  What?  Tell me!!! 

Although Cycle Days 2 and 3 aren't exactly peachy keen either, at least they bring some courage to consider new options.   To move forward as the pain simultaneously fades from the gut, both physically and emotionally..........

Cycle Day one, please understand that there is a way for us to put these hard feelings behind us.  I have come up with a solution that could result in us even becoming BFFs....  Do NOT appear again for at least nine months.  How 'bout it?  Pretty please.



Friday, March 4, 2011

Hope sucks

Hope does not float like the damn movie title implies. Hope sinks. Hope sucks. Yup. You guessed it. BFN. Guess all the false positives were leftover trigger afterall. The worst part is, I told myself I would try something different if this iui failed. Now that it has failed, I have no idea what that different thing is. I've exhausted all my options. Infertility bites!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


I think my exact words yesterday were... "I'm not entirely crazy"...  That was yesterday.... but by 4:00 this afternoon, there is a very good chance that I have officially reached craziness in its fullest entirety...  You asked if I was going to test today.....  The answer to that should be "no.  that would be silly and unreasonable and ridiculous.  Why would I test a mere twelve hours after testing yesterday."  Uh. Huh.  That should be the answer!!  Should've, could've... obviously DIDN'T!

However, here is an outline of my day (I already mentioned that my sanity is currently in question right?)

5:45 - woke up.  first thought "I have a great idea for an awesome morning activity.  I should pee on a stick." ... which resulted in a BFN at time limit..... followed by a BFP when I woke up again at 7:15 and psychotically grabbed it from the garbage bin.

7:30 - needed to clear up the confusion.. what better way to do that than pee again with a different brand stick.  that should do it.... awesome results (insert sarcastic icon here) BFN at time limit followed by a BFP about an hour later.... Clear as mud.

10:30 - despite a serious lack of pee, I bought a FRER to try again.... the box says results as soon as 5 days before your expected period....  finally!  A true answer..... BFN!!!  Apparently not the answer I wanted....Grrrr......  Obviously it was the weak and pathetic pee sample, my lame brain thinks and sooooo....

3:30 - back to the cheapies at home.....  nice solid stream of pee this time (TMI... ugh).  And guess what?  BFN followed by a BFP after the time limit!!

Really?  Really?  Is this how it is going to be?  It is me against you stick!!!!! 

As the brilliant lyrics from one of my favorite childhood songs explains ...  I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY... 1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

9 dpiui and 10 days past trigger

It seems that the obnoxious truth about all addictions applies to pee stick addicts too....It feels good in the moment, but the aftermath ain't so pretty.... I knew it as soon as the pee hit the stick..... I tried to take it back.... but it was too late....

And the most ambiguous and completely frustrating part..... there was a very, very ridiculously light second line, which may or may not be the HCG trigger. (10 days post trigger today)....  the line was only visibly at certain angles (I swear it was there though.  I verified it with my DH so I am not entirely crazy... )....

Soooo wasn't that helpful.... Please send me all the BFP vibes that you got.....:)

 I'll keep you posted.