Friday, November 26, 2010

To Ovulate or Not to Ovulate? That is the Question....

And so the suspense-filled-edge-of-your-seat-mystery continues.....  Will my body decide to ovulate?  Or will it do as it always does.... and ignore my pleas to just damn well do something normal already?
Dun.... Dun.... Dun....
During my latest visit to the fertility clinic, my RE called me a 'late bloomer' (I got a vision of my flat-chested body finally developing breasts:)..... She then said that I might ovulate afterall.......  What a nail-biter this awesome thriller of a cycle is shaping up to be..........  Stayed tuned for the exciting conclusion.  At this rate, I will probably know something definitive by day 99 of my cycle..........


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

My Body Has Failed Me. Let Me Count the Ways.

So... Day 12 of my cycle brings more awesome news (insert sarcasm icon here).  Here is the conversation I had with my RE on Monday.
RE:  So, um, (pausing in an attempt be gentle, I think) do you get regular periods?
Me:  Sometimes (in retrospect, I suppose that 'sometimes' probably translates to 'no'.  How can one be sometimes regular??).
RE: Have you completed all the other tests that I asked you to do?
Me:  Yes.
RE:  You should book a follow-up appointment with me for as soon as possible
Me (sensing that, once again, my body has failed me):  How come?  Am I not ovulating (What I really wanted to say:  I didn't just become infertile yesterday.....  I get it!!!)
RE:  Yes.  That is what I am getting at.  I can see nothing growing in the ultrasound.
Me:  Okay (with a smile).  I already have an appointment booked (What I really wanted to say:  "AHHHH!!  Really?  Really?  Really?  Why must my body fail me time and time again?  How come every time I come to a fertility clinic they ALWAYS find something wrong with me?  Why can't I have a normal functioning female reproductive system?  Why me?)...
Here is a list of all the different diagnoses and reproductive issues that have been given to me through the wonderous fertility clinics to date:
1.  Endometriosis (proven incorrect through laparoscopy)
2.  Bilaterally Blocked tubes (proven incorrect through laparoscopy)
3.  Prolactin Irregularities  (alledgedly was corrected through medication)
4.  Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (currently being re-explored)
5.  Adenomyosis
6.  Unexplained recurrent miscarriages
7.  Ovarian Fibroids

Yup.  Seven potential infertility issues.  Seven ways that I have believed, at one time or another, that my body has failed me.  So when my dh asks me what the big deal is about not ovulating this month... when he says that I have been through lot worse than that...  I understand rationally what he is saying.... yet somehow not ovulating this month feels like the last straw!!   The diagnosis that broke the camel's back!!!  Back to hating my body's general reproductive functioning... back to feeling like I'm failing at things that there is no way that I can possibly control.  Back to obsessing, even though thinking continuously about my issues has absolutely no impact on their resolution... 

On a positive note.  I am headed out for a pedicure.  If I can't have a good uterus, at least I can have good feet:)


Friday, November 19, 2010

My Uterus: The Continued Exploration

Thanks for all your well wishes and comments.  My new RE seems pretty cool... but, then again, so did my old RE when I first met her so who knows???  It's like I'm starting all over again, even though I have done it all before.  Like a terrible case of deja vu.  Although on Thursday I did get to try a new and awesome saline water test where I had the joyous opportunity to have a balloon (or something of the sort) blown up and salty water squirty inside my uterus (they explained it a little differently on the consent form, but that is my translation of the procedure)...

While I was waiting for the doctor and making super awkward small talk with my ultrasound technician... you know the kind... legs raised in the air, vajayjay under the sheet but still uncomfortably exposed... as the technician asks what the weather is like outside.... as if talking to a horizontal and waist-down naked person about the rain is a commonplace and normal activity....  as I was trying to kill what seemed like hours, I told the ultrasound technician that my uterus has been photographed more times than a supermodel.  She tried to explain that all of the tests are looking at different things.... I've already had an hsg test, a laparoscopy, 3 endometrial biopsies and several million ultrasounds of my uterus.  Its as though my uterus is some unexplored massive country, rather than the size of a freaking fist.....  how much more exploration can they possibly do???? 

I think it would be a super fun party game for a group of infertiles to post all our uterus pictures on the wall and play 'guess who the uterus belongs to'.    I know mine is retroverted, has a few small cysts and a small fibroid with some shiny substance along the lining or something of the sort.... those will be my clues to guessing my uterus!!!  Oh.  And Thursday's test reveals that my uterus has a 'normal' reaction when a balloon is blown up inside of it.... Again... in the strange twilight zone that is an infertility clinic... the activity of blowing up a balloon inside a uterus was made to seem chatting to someone that has their vajayjay hanging out!!!

And along with the ultrasound-errific fun...  the daily morning bloodwork and appointments have also started again.  I am doing cycle monitoring and have to do an hour drive before work every morning next week, which will be the ultimate challenge since I am the most non-morning person in the world!  I hope I am still standing by the end of the week.  I shall keep you posted.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

back in the stirrups again....

So, after months of taking a break from fertility treatments, tomorrow I head back to the clinic.  Back to 7 am bloodwork.  Back to obsessing about meds.  Back to spreading my legs for all scrub-wearers' miscellaneous uncles, aunts, and other alleged med students.  Back to trying to beat my record for how quickly I can undress from the waist down.  Back to nurses commenting on my skinny veins as they randomly and repeatedly poke and prod their fat needles into my arm without success.  Back to my own personal horror show....  As you can tell, I'm really looking forward to it! 

After the great debacle of ttc month number 16  (the month of the false positive HSG test which incorrectly showed bilaterally blocked tubes... which, in turn, led to three unnecessary IVFs because my RE swore that I didn't need a repeat HSG test... which, in turn, led to my unforgettably wonderful OHSS experience and multiple trips to the hospital for drug side effects... which, in turn, led me to finally get on the operating table for a laporoscapy.. which, in turn, led my RE to unapologetically report, "oops...  these HSG tests do have a fairly high false positive rate.  Your tubes are completely open.  Hmmmm...  interesting."   Yeah!!  Because that's what I'm here for.  Your interest and entertainment!!!  ERRR!!!....  As you can tell, I'm not bitter at all... despite my remarkably un-bitter attitude, I am going to a brand new fertility clinic tomorrow...but I digress again)

After the great debacle of ttc month number 16, going to the dentist for a root canal sounds far more appealing than stepping foot in a fertility clinic!  My DH hates the clinics even more than me, if that is even possible.   He is completely against me going back on any form of fertility medication because of my body's general rejection of fake hormones.... So I'm sure it will lead to another fertility-based battle between us tomorrow...

In summary.. .tomorrow I am knowlingly re-entering my own personal nightmare and, in case that doesn't sound stupid enough....   I am willfully fighting with my DH and, if I win our argument, I will be rewarded with the opportunity to once again be stabbed with needles and exposed to horrifying drug side effects...  Yup.  I'm kind of like the ditsy girl from the horror movie who hears the unusual murderous animal noise and, instead of running as far as her skinny little legs will carry her, she moves right towards the noise....and we all know how that story ends....

It is truly amazing what we women will do... all in the name of being a mom....