Wednesday, November 24, 2010

My Body Has Failed Me. Let Me Count the Ways.

So... Day 12 of my cycle brings more awesome news (insert sarcasm icon here).  Here is the conversation I had with my RE on Monday.
RE:  So, um, (pausing in an attempt be gentle, I think) do you get regular periods?
Me:  Sometimes (in retrospect, I suppose that 'sometimes' probably translates to 'no'.  How can one be sometimes regular??).
RE: Have you completed all the other tests that I asked you to do?
Me:  Yes.
RE:  You should book a follow-up appointment with me for as soon as possible
Me (sensing that, once again, my body has failed me):  How come?  Am I not ovulating (What I really wanted to say:  I didn't just become infertile yesterday.....  I get it!!!)
RE:  Yes.  That is what I am getting at.  I can see nothing growing in the ultrasound.
Me:  Okay (with a smile).  I already have an appointment booked (What I really wanted to say:  "AHHHH!!  Really?  Really?  Really?  Why must my body fail me time and time again?  How come every time I come to a fertility clinic they ALWAYS find something wrong with me?  Why can't I have a normal functioning female reproductive system?  Why me?)...
Here is a list of all the different diagnoses and reproductive issues that have been given to me through the wonderous fertility clinics to date:
1.  Endometriosis (proven incorrect through laparoscopy)
2.  Bilaterally Blocked tubes (proven incorrect through laparoscopy)
3.  Prolactin Irregularities  (alledgedly was corrected through medication)
4.  Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (currently being re-explored)
5.  Adenomyosis
6.  Unexplained recurrent miscarriages
7.  Ovarian Fibroids

Yup.  Seven potential infertility issues.  Seven ways that I have believed, at one time or another, that my body has failed me.  So when my dh asks me what the big deal is about not ovulating this month... when he says that I have been through lot worse than that...  I understand rationally what he is saying.... yet somehow not ovulating this month feels like the last straw!!   The diagnosis that broke the camel's back!!!  Back to hating my body's general reproductive functioning... back to feeling like I'm failing at things that there is no way that I can possibly control.  Back to obsessing, even though thinking continuously about my issues has absolutely no impact on their resolution... 

On a positive note.  I am headed out for a pedicure.  If I can't have a good uterus, at least I can have good feet:)



  1. Here is to good feet! I was just thinking the same thing as I had my feet up in the stirrups (yet again) on Monday. In fact my exact thought was, I might be having a miscarriage, but at least my toenails are pretty.

  2. Hang in there. Sometimes I get so pissed off my at my body - eventually I force myself to make a list of ways that my body is good to me or helps me or thing that work about it. For instance: my stomach is a rock - I can eat just about anything. I've only ever puked when I had food poisoning or from alcohol abuse, and nowadays I almost never have digestive distress. It seems small compared to all the other shit it does wrong, but at least I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. Thinking about you- enjoy the holiday.

  3. This is so funny, I just told me husband the other night in a miscarriage-induced rage that "I cant grow a baby and I have ugly toes. Could God not have given me SOMETHING positive in my life?" Hahha so you have great looking feet. You are one up on me. Im sorry about the other stuff.. sometimes I wonder if these doctors have more of a clue than I do, it seems they just poke in the dark hoping to hit upon a correct diagnosis that works sometimes. I guess we just need to keep plowing through. I will send good vibes your way.x