Saturday, October 1, 2011

In case anyone is wondering...

The Ivf was another colossal bust!! I've been handling the news far better than I ever imagined I would. It is eery really. Like I've detached some part of my brain from myself in order to protect me from losing it entirely. Maybe I've created another personality somewhere who is mourning the Ivf failure (been watching too much of the show the united states of Tara lately:)

I have been staying away from the Internet; hence, my lack of blogging. And not really talking much, even when asked, about the whole infertlity thing. My pat response is "it is what it is." I guess I'm just tired and worn down. And sorta lost my desire to least for now. But I'm okay with that. I need a break. Although I do have one sole surviving blast to consider... that's for another day. As for today.... I'll enjoy wine, hot baths, sleeping in, a needle-free lifestyle and a strangely calm state of mind.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

There's Some Good News and There's Some Bad News...

Good News:  10 eggs retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 6 are still alive and kicking this two days after retrieval.

Bad News:  The retrieval was a horrible experience for both DH and myself.  I went into shock, likely from the meds, the nurse said.... all through the account of DH since I remember nothing.... apparently my blood pressure went to 60/40 and I was unresponsive for over 2 hours... my DH still can't talk about it much, saying that it traumatized him... he apparently thought I was dead.  I will spare some of the other details, but the nurse said this has happened before, although it is rare. 

Good News:  I'm still alive and blood pressure is normal!

Bad News:  I have some symptoms of hyperstimulation...shortness of breath, weight gain and lightheadedness.....  went to my RE today and she cleared me and gave me an inhaler for my breathing.

Good News:  The lab tech guy called and said that my RE only wants to go to day 5 blast stage if I have 6 perfect embryo.  Apparently, 2 days after retrieval the ideal embryo have 4 cells.  Two of my embryo have 4 cells (tech said those ones are good so far), two of the other embryo have 3 cells (tech said those are likely okay too).

Bad News:  The other two embryo are 7 and 8 cell, whatever that means.  The tech guy said he doesn't like to use the word 'bad' to describe embryo, but I got the implied picture.  So it looks like I won't be trying to get to blast.

Good News:  I will likely get to transfer two embryo tomorrow, which I have wanted all along.... my RE was strongly recommending (read:  demanding) that I only tranfer one if they made it to blast stage.

So tomorrow is a big day!  Two beautiful beautiful embryo will be transferred and hopefully snuggle comfortably in my uterus, prepared to stay there for a solid nine months!!!


Monday, September 5, 2011

All My Eggs in One Basket.

Not sure if it was an IFer who came up with that expression about the eggs in a basket, but it is fitting - both literally and metaphorically for me tomorrow.  The precious little eggs that are being retrieved tomorrow at 8am will fill my last little basket of hope.   Since my DH says this is the end of the road for him, I feel like I only have this one basket left.  And all my eggs are in it (hopefully at least 8 mature ones, at that)....
Please, please, please may you make my dreams come true little eggies!!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Please Allow Me to Vent!

Warning:  Do not read on if you do not enjoy a good old I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself Eeyore-type sob post.   AND do not read on if you want to be uplifted or feel positive and optimistic about infertility or life in general.

BUT do read on if you feel like crap and subscribe to the belief that misery enjoys company. 
AND do read on if you are craving empathy because you are hyped up on an insane amount of unnatural drugs and feel like lashing out at someone, anyone.... throwing something even, preferably something really expensive and breakable that does not belong to you... because life is unfair and even though you rationally know that it is unfair and you just have to accept it and 'it is what it is' as they say.... and all those other pretty beautifully poetic platitude crap might be believable tomorrow..but today the unfairness just plain sucks!  sucks!  sucks!  As in, bites the big one!!  As in, no person should ever ever be permitted to inject this much fake hormone into their body and then run free in the streets.  As in, I am not responsible for what I do or say officer.  Just check my E2 levels at the clinic.  That'll explain it all.  And I'm pretty sure that evidence is permissable in the court of law..... Ah but I digress:)

Now that that is out of my system, I can give you a report on my latest and certainly not greatest IVF cycle.  It began by moving in a reasonably smooth direction.  I have been taking the lowest dose of gonal-f that is typically prescribed, 75 units (not sure exactly what the unit is... perhaps gonal-f should be measured in madness... as in 75 units of madness is being injected into my body daily).  I had 9 follies on day 5 which is allegedly quite a respectable count.  All along the nurse kept telling me I would likely get about 11 eggs at the time of the retrieval.  Again.  Respectable.  Perhaps not as good as my last retrieval which yielded 18 eggs, but they told me from the get-go that I would have fewer eggs with the goal of achieving quality over quantity this go round.  And so each morning, the nurse told me that all was looking good and my retrieval would likely be Monday with about 11 eggs.

Fast forward to today.  A new nurse enters.  Perhaps the weekend nurse?  She tells me that if I trigger today I will get 3 mature eggs.  If I trigger tomorrow we might MIGHT MIGHT be able to get seven.  OKAY.  Not the end of the world.  Seven eggs with a retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Interferes SIGNIFICANTLY with my work schedule, but I can live with that.  But BEST CASE SCENARIO SEVEN EGGS!!!  Grrrrrr......  My brain erupted with  completely unjustified, 100% distorted anger!  I had 11 bloody eggs for my IUI when I only wanted 3 and now I'm lucky if I get SEVEN! 

As I drove home and my mind was swimming with completely unfounded anger, which is probably my way of covering up the true feeling that is running the show... fear and worry.... that I will be disappointed yet again.  That this is the end of the road.  The end of a dream.  The final curtain closing with no hope for an encore.

In my swimmingly angry (masking fearful) mind, I did the math.  I, of course, imagined the worse.  I compared the numbers to my last IVF cycle and decided that, based on sound statistical mathematics (see below), I certainly will have no embryos survive:

Last cycle:
18 eggs
15 (or 83%) mature
6 (or 40%) fertilized
6 embryos made it to day 3

This cycle (hypothetical based on last cycle):
7 eggs
6 (if I'm lucky) mature
2 embryo make it to day 3
BUT my RE wants me to go to day 5..... which means I only have two embryo to fight the difficult five day battle................ which will obviously result in ZERO survivors.

So there you have.  Sound proof that the whole world is unfair.  This cycle is a complete bust.  The world is coming to a swift and painful end.  (fear not - that last paragraph is not intended to be my final cry for help.... just mocking myself and the spazzy way my mind can work)

In an attempt to prevent my spiralling mind from circling into the depths of insanity,  I will try to conjure up the rational part of my brain that has been temporarily rendered inactive due to the 75 (X9) units of madness that have been injected into my body.  

Here goes.  The positive self-talk that is eeking up from below the mess of hormonal madness,which is barely audible at times.

It only takes one!  ONE!  ONE!!!! ONE embryo to make my dream become a reality. 
I am using ICSI rather than regular old IVF this time, which may help with the somewhat abysmal fertility rate and give me a few more embryos to fight it out to day 5.  I may have better quality eggs this time, which is the goal.  BUT Most importantly - negativity sucks!  It sucks the life out of me and everyone around me and, beyond that,  it certainly doesn't help the situation.... EVER!

Reminds me of one of the most inspirational quotes that I have encountered during this journey:

If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose? ~Robert Brault

Today I am trying desperately to continue to choose hope.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Fresh IVF #2 Take 2

As I was driving for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday, my mood was totally different than last time.  I was neutral.  Not even a little bit excited.  Waiting for the news of a massive cyst.  Or some other bodily horror that only I seem able to produce. 

So when they found three small cysts, I was done.  I called DH.  Told him I was throwing in the towel.  That I absolutely could not take this any  more.  Always the dramatic one, I said that all of these meds were going to be the death of me.  Always the exaggerater, I then said that starting and stopping meds one million times per month is NOT normal and surely going to kill me! 

Given my readiness to give up, what happens next seems fairly obvious in my strange world of contradictions.  The nurse calls to tell me that my estrogen levels are fine.  That I can proceed to the next step and start my stims the next morning.  What?  So let me get this straight.  Last cycle.  One cyst.  RE said it should be fine.  Cycle cancelled.  This cycle.  Three cysts.  RE expressed concerned.  Cycle is good to go.  Apparently the cysts from this cycle are not of the estrogen-sucking variety (not exactly the medical term, but my translation).

My body is like the boy in high school that wants the girl to like him but does not want to commit.  Each time that he sees that she might just be ready to move on with her life, he feeds her just enough attention to give her hope.  To keep her hanging on. So too, my body has fed me my little dangling carrot of hope.  And like the silly school girl, I will not move on from this infertility battle.  I will not throw in the towel.  I will hang on for one more day.  And hope and pray that this cycle is the one.  That somehow this time things will be different and I won't end up with a broken heart.

Since Friday, I have been taking gonal-f at the lowest possible dose to avoid OHSS.  I return for an ultrasound on Tuesday.  Please, please, please... do not lead me on anymore.  Make a commitment already!!! 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


The IVF cycle was cancelled.... I was unhappy.... I pity partied for 48 hours... I started to get over it....  I accepted that my retrieval would not be until September... I settled in to wait for AF.... her ETA was approximately two weeks, but I was warned that she may be a little late because of the meds....I decided to wait calmly and enjoy the peace... maybe even, dare I say, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty....bold, I know.... All was well......  BUT THEN....

Just for fun...  my body decided to cramp... for added kicks it threw in some bright red unusual bleeding and a (sorry tmi) yeast infection... WAHHHH!!!  Called the clinic.... long story short... they have no flippin' idea...  not sure if this is AF or not....told me to wait to see if I get 'full flow'.....what is a full damn flow anyway....what sort of measuring stick do I have to measure 'full'... pretty scientific term 'full'...

To top it off, two of my facebook "friends" (and those quotes are EXTREMELY necessary) are complaining about accidental pregnancies.... one  only wanted three kids, but 'oops' she is having a fourth... the other doesn't get to go back to work long enough to get proper unemployment insurance because she got pregnant too quickly.... seriously?  seriously?  pregnant and too quickly are three words that should never ever be written consecutively in any spot that I can read them....

Other than that... I'm well.... been a great summer:)


Thursday, July 14, 2011


The cyst grew.  My cycle got cancelled.  I took the month off of work for nothing.  My thigh has thousands of needle prick marks for nothing.  Too bummed to say more.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

And We're Off...... OR Not!

Fresh IVF Cycle #2
Part Three-  A False Start

As I drove in for my baseline ultrasound, the sun was shining brightly.  My mood was good as I cranked up and sang along to some summer tunes on the radio.  I felt like my mind and spirit were finally completely prepared for this new IVF cycle...... as per usual though, my body was not.

Just when I thought my resume of infertility ailments was finally saturated,  the next chapter of  my journey is proving just as unpredictable as those that came before.  Nice antral follicle count, says the nurse while giving me feedback on my baseline ultrasound.  16 on the right and 10 on the left.  Yes!  I privately congratulate myself, as if I carved the follies into my ovaries myself especially for the occasion!

And then, in quick passing, the nurse adds, "but..."  Yup.  There's always a but.  "But... you have a relatively large cyst on the right as well.  It shouldn't  be a problem.  We'll give you the gonal-f and check your blood to make sure your estrogen levels aren't too high.  If you don't hear back from me then you can start the new medication tonight. It shouldn't be a problem.  It is very unlikely that you'll hear from me."  To which I reply, "Oh.  I'm sure I'll be hearing from you then (Smile.  Toss hair.  Look breezy.  Pretend I'm kidding)" 

Sure enough.  Right as scheduled... 1:00 sharp.  I let the message go to voicemail.

"Well.  Your estrogen levels are a little too high.  I'm not too worried about it.  It shouldn't be a problem (yeah... just like you said I wouldn't be getting this call!!).  Just take your lupron for one more week.  Don't start the gonal-f yet.  We'll do another baseline ultrasound next Thursday and go from there."

And so, the countdown rewinds itelf.... T Minus 4 Days... here we go again.  Like a bad case of deja vu.  

P.S. If anyone reading this has any information on cysts before IVF, I would appreciate reading any or all stories.  For some reason, I now have this nagging feeling that my cycle will need to be postponed until next month....  Grrr....


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Fun Games with Needles

Fresh IVF Cycle #2.... the exciting journey continues.

Part Two-  Fun with Needles

For the past ten days, I have had the unique experience of waking up to a well-balanced breakfast followed by a nice healthy needle stab to the thigh.  Because of this once (or, in my case twice) in a lifetime opportunity, I felt that I should use this special time to reflect.... to ponder.... to consider... all of the fun things you can do with needles.  Here's what I've come up with so far:

1.  Needle ratings - Each morning, I rate my needle stab to see if I can come up with a personal best stab.  How do you rate needle stabs, you ask....well, my ratings are based on a number of factors...insertion pain level, amount of blood left on the alcohol swab, and level of bruising....  And yesterday, June 29th, I had a personal best....  That's right... It might have even put professional needle stabbers to shame!  Minimal to no pain, zero blood found upon needle removal and a mere dot left on the thigh to show for it!  Take that Nadia Comaneci!  A perfect TEN for needle stylings and technique!!!  Pretty fun!

2.  Needle-based conversations - At work, I started a very exciting conversation about needles.  It began with another colleague and I (she has also done IVF).  She said that she chose to do her needles in her stomache... to which I responded, "No way! Seriously.  Thighs are waaayyy better."  We then proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of thigh versus stomache needles...  I know.  Interesting huh?  But it didn't stop there. Next, we played a very scintillating game of "Would you rather..." with other colleagues...  We asked, "if given the choice would you rather have a needle in your thigh or stomache?"  Minutes of entertainment for all!  Pretty fun!

3.  Thigh Artwork - Like an undiscovered blank pallet, my thigh used to be...but not anymore... thanks to needles of fun, my thigh is becoming a lovely piece of abstract art!  The colours are stunning... pale purples, red, yellow outlines and soft greys...and, better than Picasso, the pallet is constantly changing!!!  Pretty fun!

That's all I got for now... but I'm sure there will be more exciting adventures in needles to come....

T Minus 7 days until the stims begin!!

Thanks for your continued support!!  It is greatly appreciated.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

T Minus 12!

Fresh IVF Cycle #2.... the exciting journey so far.

Part One- Suprefect (suppressant medication to induce menopause-type rest of the ovaries.  Counterintuitive? Perhaps.  Sending the body into menopause in order to get pregnanct??  Who thinks of these things??  I guess it is supposed to assist in the calm before the storm.)

June 21st - Injection day one of suprefact, which was marked by a celebratory black and blue marking on my thigh!  Bruise was massive and kinda awesome, shadowing the shape of my vein.  So, of course, hypochondriacal me considered the possibility that I might have a blood clot.  Because, you know, blood clots occur in 1 of a million or so patients.  I have never won the lottery with those odds, but a blood clot... seems more likely my thing:)

June 22nd - Injection day two.  Much better injection.  Figured out that you should probably stop squeezing your thigh fat before you pull the needle out.  Prevented the the geyser-type blood eruption that happened  yesterday.  Go figure.  The things you learn during this journey.  Decided that I probably did not have a blood clot. 

June 23rd, 24th, and today - Becoming a seasoned needle veteran already.  I have officially mastered the perfect squeeze and release thigh fat timing.  Woot woot!

Side effects thus far -  Unless you count the ones that have been conjured up in my always overactive imagination (e.g., the aforementioned blood clot), then I am happy to report that I am side-effect free!  (knock on all surrounding available wood). 

T Minus 12 days until I begin the big boy meds!   Rest ovaries, rest.... the storm is a-brewing.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Useless Advice I Want to Give Back

I'm not one to hog all of the fertiles wonderful words of useless advice without giving any back.  Oh fertiles.  Your random, unscientific words of wisdom.  They mean so much to me.  And so now I offer similar advice back to you.

Fertile Complaint:  I never go out any more.
My Advice:  I guess going out wasn't in God's plan for you.

Fertile Complaint:  I feel fat.
My Advice:  Being skinny just wasn't meant to be for you at this time in your life.

Fertile Complaint:  I am so tired after having this baby.
My Advice:  Just relax.

Fertile Complaint:  My breasts have deflated after having the baby.
My Advice:  Well, maybe you just aren't using the right positions.  Have you considered standing on your head.  Or learning to walk on your hands.  That should keep those girls upright.

Fertile Complaint:  I'm an anxious mom.
My Advice:  I heard that if you go away on vacation all your worries will simply lift away.  You'll come back and be a free-spirited mom without a care in the world.  I know this lady who couldn't stop worrying about her kids for 10 years.  Then she took a vacation.  And now she even let's her kids run around in traffic without a helmet.

Fertile Complaint:  I'm concerned that I may be pregnant again too soon.
My Advice:  Don't adopt.  Because everybody knows that adoption is a sure way to get pregnant.

You're welcome fertiles. 

I'm there for you.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst

I can't believe how different I am going into this IVF cyle.  The me that existed before my first IVF  is pretty much non-existent now.  Before IVF#1, I was so incredibly naive and optimistic.  I believed, with almost 100% certainty, that this was it...the magic wand required to cure all my infertility woes.  The doctor told me she saw no reason it wouldn't work.  60% success rate was the stat she quoted for me.   All of the laws of probability were aligned in my favor.  And who am I to question doctors and probability laws?  I was practically buying maternity clothes and painting a nursery before IVF #1.  But that was then....

And this is now....

I will never forget the simultaneous feelings of shock and devestation that seeped throughout my body when I first found out that the IVF had, in fact, defied the probability laws and failed.  My heart numbed a little bit that day.  And I progressively numbed a little more each time another medically assisted cycle failed. 

And so I go into this cycle a little more tainted, a little less hopeful.... and a lot more numb.   I have tried to build up a protective wall around me that cannot be penetrated by yet another failure. 

When I think of  all of the possible implications of another IVF, spent... medical side effects that my body will be forced to endure....non-stop needles and medical appointments..... cancelled vacations....all of those things are entirely irrelevant when compared to the most significant  and overriding potential implication........ it might not work.... ....and then I will be left to put myself back together, yet again.... I will be required to muster up the energy to put a smile on my face as my friends talk about their babies and pregnancies... and speak to me with voices laced with pity.... I will be required to pretend that it is okay... to fight back the tears.... and go on living... with a little more numbness....

And so when lovely advice-giving folk say that you have to be positive.... that you have to believe it is going to work... throw it out to the universe.... use the freakin' Secrets... they obviously don't understand the potential horrific implications of positivity.... positivity can set you up for unprotected ,RAW, gut-wrenching failure...

I have wholeheartedly embraced optimism in the past... My mantra for a year was dripping with syrupy optimism... Optimism despite my first miscarriage.  Optimism despite finding out my tubes were allegedly blocked.... Optimism despite thousands of snow-white pregnancy sticks... 

And you know what?  Contrary to the advice-givers predictions, optimism did not work.... positivity did not magically result in a successful pregancy.  I tried it all... unfailing positivity ...  I dreamed.... I stood strong...I threw it out to the universe.... I told myself that it WOULD work.... no room for space for negativity.... but it failed anyway.  The universe didn't care.... and so now I will do it my way.

As the brilliant lyrics said it best, I go in to this IVF "hoping for the best but expecting the worst"...

Translation:  I will thicken my walls with numbness to prepare for the worst case scenario.,,, But despite my efforts,  I will never be able to rid myself of that pesky, yet brilliant, God-given gift of hope!


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Beautiful People

After 3 and a half years of struggling with infertility, I find myself easily frustrated by ridiculous things that come out of fertiles mouths .... the condescension.... the trite remarks....  the obnoxious cliches... many of which I have commented on in previous blogs.

What I don't acknowledge enough, however, are the lovely and heartfelt comments and gestures that I have also encountered throughout this difficult journey.... the beautiful people.  And so I share them with you today.... the beautiful people in my life.

1.  My friend 'H' who is not someone I see often, but a very thoughtful soul.  She struggled slightly with becoming pregnant with her first daughter.  After attending our third or fourth baby shower together, she sent me a card in the mail... no fanfare... no condescension...  it simply read, "I know that all of these baby showers must be difficult.  I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.  Please call if you ever want want to talk.  And know that I am thinking of you."  A beautiful person.

2.  My colleague 'L' who has very significant health and auto-immune issues of her own for which she is receiving weekly treatments.  Despite facing significant side effects from mulitple medications, she is eternally optimistic and has a constantly bright smile lighting up her face.  She sent me an email on my birthday that read, "Wishing that all of your birthday wishes come true this year (clearly implying my infertility).  When I blew out my own birthday candles this year, my wishes were for you."  A beautiful person.

3.  My mom who often doesn't know what to say, but tries so hard to help make me feel better.  Ironically, she is one of the most fertile females in the universe.  Apple... far from tree there.  During her own mother's day celebration, she took me aside and handed me a jewelry box that contained a locket.  She said, 'read the pamphlet inside.'  The pamphlet said, 'this necklace is a native symbol of hope and fertility.'  Although she didn't know how to express herself, she said, 'I wanted you to have it. For hope.'  A beautiful person.

4.  My in-laws (Yup.  You read it correctly.  The in-laws).  Even though my DH and I are their only shot at having grandkids.  Even though they are the quintessential grandparent-sort and desperately long for grandkids.  Even though their faces lit up with uncontained excitement when DH and I announced our first pregnancy.  Even though I'm sure that their hearts broke a little the day that we announced our first miscarriage.  Despite all these things, they have never EVER made a negative or selfish comment.  They have always put my health before their own undeniable longing for grandchildren.  They have even encouraged me to consider not doing another IVF, making a long speech about how they are so proud to have me in their family and my health is more important to them than grandchildren.  Beautiful people.

5.  My sister-in-law 'T' and my oldest brother 'D'.    A few months ago T called me and said,  'D and I had a long talk today.  We don't think it is fair that we have been blessed with two beautiful daughters (my darling neices) and you haven't had the chance to experience parenthood.  So D and I agreed that, if you ever need a surrogate, I would love to do that for you.'  She said that, even if it meant that they couldn't have a third child of their own (they have always wanted to have three kids)  because her body couldn't handle another c-section (her deliveries have been particularly difficult) she and my brother agreed that they would be okay with that.  She spoke with such sincerity that it choked me up. My brother D is of the quiet sort and generally does not openly express concern or emotion.  So it was particularly touching that he was the one who apparently initiated their conversation.  Beautiful people.

There are many days when I dwell on people who do and say obnoxious things.
But today, I want to pay tribute to the people who do and say beautiful things
Instead of being trite, they are sincere.
Instead of being condescending, they are truly empathic.
Instead of giving useless advice, they listen.  They are there when you need them. 
They are truly beautiful people.  Beautiful people that I feel blessed to have in my life.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

What I Have That 'They' Don't.

What I have that they don't...... (and by 'they', I am talking about those lovely, often-smug pregnant and new mom friends of mine).  Yup.  I realize this is lame considering that I want more than anything to have what they have.... considering that I am about to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars just to have a 36% chance of getting what they have)....but, hey, pretending for a minute in order to cheer yourself up isn't the worst thing in the world, is it?.... And so...

What I have that they don't have.... in no particular order.

1.  Random napping.
2.  Glorious weekend sleep-ins
3.  Uninterupted nights filled with sleep.
4.  No need to repeatedly watch Dora and her exciting adventures.
5.  A stretch mark-free belly.
6.  Breasts that do not resemble flaccid condoms.
7.  A lifetime free of worrying about purchasing birth control.
8.  A DH that will never have to get himself snipped.
9.  Double income with no daycare expenses.
10.  Unlimited access to afternoon and evening outings with no concern about finding a babysitter
11.  Conversations about topics other than poo, diapers, breastfeeding and being tired.
12. A facebook profile picture that is actually my own face.
13. Unlimited access to photos of my ovarian functioning.

Ahhh...........  Life is good  (told you that there's nothing wrong with pretending...........)


Saturday, June 11, 2011

I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmm back!!!

It's been a while.  After my 4th failed IUI, my heart and head needed a rest from it all.  Thanks to all of you ladies for your wonderfully supportive words. 

It is amazing how my life resembled something close to sanity when I became fertility-med free over the past two months.  I think I may have only googled Infertility-related searches every other day.... an impressive reduction when compared to my three - twenty infertility daily searches while in the throws of treatment cycles.

And so I am feeling reasonably good, reasonably sane... even able to inquire about my sister-in-laws pregnancy.   Oh yeah.

That being said........ do we really need sanity in our lives?   Perhaps sanity is overrated.....

Who needs sanity when you have the option of replacing it with daily needles, early morning ultrasound, super-awesome mood swings, daily obsessions and a general sense of self-pity? Apparently not me.

All my long-winded way of saying, "here I go again!"  and "THIS IS THE BIG ONE ELIZABETH!"

The one I said I would NEVER EVER do again...............  But, it seems that the expression, "never say never" applies doubly in the infertility world.

And so.... as of June 21st, the first needle will land.... to mark its first bruise on my snow-white upper thigh... in honour of the start of my 2nd fresh IVF cycle.....

Crazy?  Perhaps.  Certainly not sane.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Big Surprise.

That title is meant to be read with sarcasm.  As in 'Big Surprise'... the same damn thing happens every time so it is absolutely not in the least bit surprising.... it is as damn predictable as the sun rising in the morning... 
F*$% AF!! 
I'm angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, raging, pissed off, cursing the world!!!!

But mostly.....I'm just sad....


Monday, April 25, 2011

9 dpiui AGAIN!!

Here we go again.  True to cyclical form.  9 dpiui is, again, the day my brain starts to snap.  The day I start fondling my breasts 24/7 in an attempt to determine their plumpness.   I swear I may be arrested for indecent exposure with the amount of breast touching I have been doing.  "BUT officer.  I didn't mean to be inappropriate.  It's just that... that... I'm 9 dpiui.....I'm infertile.... I swear I NEVER behave like this outside my luteal phase. Please officer!"
According to my highly scientific observations, I'm guessing this cycle will be a bust.  As of yesterday, my already-tiny breasts significantly deflated to a horrifically flaccid balloon shape.  Bloating in my belly also deflated significantly.  Normally I would gladly lose a few pounds in a few days... but not on 9dpiui!   All signs lead to protegesterone departing from my body.  And as soon as my buddy progesterone leaves... there is a short pause... before 'HER' arrival!!  Oh progesterone - why must you leave me alone with my crazy redheaded aunt!!  She has no manners and always overstays her welcome.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

How It All Went Down.

So here's how the whole wacky cycle went down.

I went to the clinic on Friday and was given my follie report.  The girls' sizes were: 18, 17, 17, 17, 15, 15, 15 and seemingly countless other smaller dudettes.  I think there were about fifteen follies altogether, although the numbers seemed to change depending on the ultrasound technician of the day.

Then the doctor told me that if I trigger today I would get one, two, three or four follies to mature and ovulate.  But if I trigger tomorrow then I would get at least seven to mature and ovulate.  He asked me what I would like to do (as if I had a say in the matter).  I asked if I had to decide right away or if I could have some time to think about it and call my DH.  He said he would come back after I talked it over with my DH.

I called my DH and he said, "Hey - with our percentage of success, I say we wait until tomorrow and get as many eggs as possible."  I was sort of surprised that he was willing to risk higher order multiples, but, as I said before... really?  I haven't had a successful pregnancy in 3 years and now 7 are going stick?  Come on."

So the doctor returns and I tell him that we have decided to wait to trigger until tomorrow......  I explained our reasons for the decision....  our success rate has been so low so far that we are willing to take the risk.  The doctor looked surprised, taken aback even.... and proceeded to spew out a series of profound analogies, like "You know.  You can play the lottery for twenty years and never win.  And then, all of the sudden, one day you are a billionnaire"  (HUH?)... and then, "You know.  You can speed down the highway at 120 km. for years... and one day you just might get caught."  (double HUH?).  Since when did the doctor turn into a philosopher?

After the analogies ended, the lectures began, "You know.  People think that they want multiples.  Like it would be fun.  But there are risks involved.  You could have premature babies.  They could be born at 20 weeks and not survive.  Even with twins, there are complications."  (What the?? I nodded to lecture like I was back in elementary school... yes sir.. yes sir...)

The conversation paused for a moment and I (probably stupidly) asked, "what is the highest order multiples you have ever had at this clinic."  To which he responded, "It doesn't matter what has happened before.  You could break records you know.  Like the lottery ticket."   Seriously? Seriously?  Back to the lottery ticket.

So then I asked, "Would you even do the IUI if I decided to trigger tomorrow with all of those eggs?" ...... crickets chirping.... no response.....  where did all the profound wisdom go?

I said, "So it would be timed intercourse if I trigger tomorrow then. With no IUI"  And the philosopher returned, "Timed intercourse is almost as risky as the lottery."  (enough with the lottery already!!!).  And then, "The medical community has to recommend that you trigger today for safety."


So... in the end I triggered that day.... wouldn't want to win the lottery or anything.  Heaven forbid.

Had my first IUI yesterday morning and the second one today.  Today I asked how many follies matured and ovulated and the doctor said that he can't be sure (surprise, surprise).  But he can tell that at least two dropped.  And DH's sperm counts were true to form... 'stellar', as the nurse said......

Could this be the winning combo?  More than one egg plus stellar sperm!!! Please, please, please......


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Too beautiful

As with all extremes, there is such thing as too beautiful. My doc yesterday said that I responded "too beautifully" to the injectables. Two days ago I was just beautiful and now I am too beautiful. Go figure. Turns out there are eleven follies brewing in there. First doc said that means I have a 50/50 chance of overstimulating and making too many eggs for an iui. And all this using the lowest possible dose of gonal-f. Unlike the rest of my being, turns out my ovaries are overachievers. DH is somewhat excited about the prospect of our own reality show. He figures we need to have one more than eight...squeak in just enough kids to show up John and Kate. :). I think the concern about multiples is both funny and ironic. Haven't had a viable pregnancy after trying for three years. We've been through 50 follies including iui and ivf. Not one has stuck. And now we are concerned about multiples. Ah... Only in the infertile world.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011



Guess I got a little too cocky in my last post....bragging about my allegedly beautiful response to stims.... declaring to the world that my body didn't respond in a stupid and ridiculous way for once.... 

Well my notions of beauty, it appears, were merely a short-lived illusion... an illusion that was dashed by the lovely answering machine message that was awaiting my arrival when I got home....

"Hi.  It's the clinic.  I know that the doctor told you that you didn't have to come in tomorrow, but, after reviewing your bloodwork, he wants you to come in afterall.  It seems that your estrogen levels have shot up too quickly and he needs to monitor you and possibly change your medication dosage."

Now that sounds more like something my body would do.  Oh well.  At least I got a small glimpse of what it might feel like to be beautiful and uncomplicated....


Are you sure you mean me?

So. An unprecedented event occurred today at approximately 9:00 am. An official certified RE uttered the words "your body" and "responded" and "beautifully" all in the exact same sentence. Not your body overresponded or didn't respond or responded in a stupid ridiculous way yet again. Nope. Beautifully. Oh yeah. I'm beautiful. Three and possibly four beautiful beautiful follies. Come on pretty girls. You can do this.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Today I Am Thankful For......

And in the latest edition of "count your blessings, even if they seem ridiculous..."

Today I am thankful for.....
Oh yeah.  Who would've ever thunk it.  Makes the needles a hell of a lot easier.  
No major side effects yet (fingers crossed).

:) Cheers.

Friday, April 8, 2011


"They" say that your chances of having a successful IUI decreases significantly after three failed attempts.  Who are "they" anyway? 

I am in the process of ending my pity-party.... perhaps just a few more boxes of cookies and some ice cream .... and then.. and then.... look out!  I am moving into this fourth IUI cycle with a fighting attitude......   The weapon of choice... injectables!  Starting tonight....

It's "they" against me... and I'm determined to prove "they" wrong!!!  (gulp. please. pretty please.)


Saturday, April 2, 2011

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Infertility

All I ever needed to know I learned from Infertility.  These are the things I learned:
  • Friends don't need to provide solutions.  Just to listen without judgement or bias. 
  • When a situation seems ridiculously unfair, make a joke about the absurdity of it all.  You just might laugh.
  • No matter how bad things seem, you eventually need to get out of bed and face another day.
  • Time is measured in cycles.  Some cycles are better than others.
  • You are not alone.  Someone else is struggling too. 
  • Be sensitive to others.  You never know what personal battles they are facing. 
  • Even when life is not perfect, don't forget to count your blessings.
  • Appreciate those who love you.  Even when they don't know what to say to make it better.
  • You can't control all your life circumstances.  Only your responses to them.
  • Be good to yourself.  
  • Pity parties - when applied sparingly - can be very therapeutic.  You don't have to be happy all the time.
  • Jealousy is human.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  But don't let it run your life.
  • Life doesn't always go according to plan.  That doesn't mean you get to give up.
So many things that you need to know are in there somewhere.  Empathy, self-care, endurance, love and daily living.   And, when all is said and done, my hope is that the final infertility lesson is this:  the things that you appreciate most in life are those that you fought hardest to achieve!


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Operation BD. Status: Failed!

Operation BD sounded like a fun idea.  No early morning dildo cams (this is my friend's pet name for the always-lovely vaginal ultrasound machine).  No needles.  Just plain old school BDing.  Sounded simple.  Fun even.... NOT! 

The operation started off well enough.  My DH and I were away on vacation.  I had the OPK strips in tow, ready to pinpoint my ovulation day without any high-tech cameras or ultrasounds.

Sounded perfect.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  Apparently.. A LOT... this is my infertily life, afterall.  At the root of failed operation BD were two main problems.

1.  OPKs were ALWAYS positive!!!  Two equally dark lines, each and every morning.  Either the double dose of clomid was causing me to ovulate 24/7 OR the clomid was causing some sort of false positive errror with the OPK strips.  Grrrr......either way it is a cruel joke!  My hopes of positive OPKs quickly turned to dreams of making the false positives go away already!!

But worse than that...

2.  DH became ridiculously ill with the flu while we were away.  Is it wrong to seriously consider trying to BD with someone who has been practically unconscious for three days straight?  Even in my most desperate moments (which have been many, I might add), the hacking noises coming out of his body clearly indicated some fairly disgusting bodily fluids... which served to remind me that BDing at this time, despite the fact that I may have been ovulating 24/7 (haha), was a distinct impossibility!  Double Grrrrr....... 

So much for going old school!  See ya next month dildo cam!


Thursday, March 10, 2011

You Can't Win With Me.

I posted this on my resolve board, but thought I'd share here too.

I sort of chuckled to myself the other day when I had a negative reaction to my LITTLE brother's first ultrasound experience (side note: he got pregnant after trying for ONE month,, uh huh, that is correct, ONE month... thirty days.... not that I'm bitter or anything.... no bitterness here....)

I'll recount...
Me: How did the ultrasound go? (trying to put on a happy face and be supportive)
Brother: No big deal. I only got to go in the room for a few seconds and could barely see a thing. We just got to hear the heartbeat.
My thoughts: How ungrateful. He got to see his baby's heartbeat and he didn't even appreciate it!!

BUT... if my brother had responded differently and had become overexcited about the experience, I bet it would have gone something like this:

Me: How did the ultrasound go?
Brother: It was so amazing. I was shedding joyful tears when I heard the heartbeat. I can't even explain how excited I am.
My thoughts would have been: How horrible of him to flaunt his excitement in my face. He knows what I'm going through and, out of respect, he should have at least downplayed the experience.

And a few other examples of my disastrous, twisted mind....

My thoughts when a pregnant friend left me off of her group email update on her pregnancy progress: How horrible of her to leave me off the email. Does she think that I am too sensitive and vulnerable? Does she think that she is better than me! I should be given the choice as to whether or not I want to read the email. Damn pregnant women everywhere!!!

My thoughts when another pregnant friend included me on her email to update her pregnancy process: Seriously? Do I really need to see this. Did she really need to include me on this? Why is she rubbing it in my face when she knows what I am going through! How terribly insensitive. Damn pregnant people everywhere!!

My thoughts when my mother-in-law (kindly) said that they are happy with just me and DH, without grandkids:  She has seriously given up all hope for me ever having kids.  I can't believe she implied that I will never be pregnant and never give her grandkids.  Insensitive or what?

My thoughts when my friend (with 2 kids) said, I know that it will definitely happen for you eventually:  How the heck does she know that it will happen for me eventually.  She has no idea what will happen to me eventually.  Easy for her to say.  Insensitive or what?

Thank goodness for my highly refined acting skills and my ability to keep my thoughts just where they belong... inside my head... never to reveal their psychotic-ness..... heehee.....


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The New Plan

I am always pleasantly surprised at how patient, kind and understanding my new RE is.  She actually listens to my concerns and takes the time to answer all of my questions.  A most refreshing change from my old RE's horrible bedside manner.

Well... the good news is... my ovaries look 'young', my hormones are appropriate and I'm not going into menopause any time soon (phew).  The bad news body continues to refuse to get pregnant!!

So here is the new plan:

I doubled my dose of clomid (up to 100 mg) for this month and, since I will be away while I am ovulating, I am going old school.  Good ol' BDing..  Although fun, I'm not holding out tons of hope...

So next month... back to the IUIs.  I have to decide whether I want to do injectibles or try it with a double dose of clomid.  I am concerned because my body responded horrifically to injectibles while doing IVF.  And my husband is really against me doing anything to myself that could compromise my health.  He sweetly said, "Your health is way more important to me than having a baby."  (sob, sob).

Knowing that doubling my clomid dose gives me about a 50% chance of getting more follies... and injectibles will likely result in more follies but could make me feel like crap.... I am really struggling to decide.  I would welcome any thoughts from all of you experts out there. 


Monday, March 7, 2011

WWW Meeting Tomorrow...

I am meeting with my RE tomorrow and, for the first time in my infertile history, I have absolutely no idea what to do next.  I have officially exhausted my list of ideas.  If only I knew what was causing my repeated failures.  Are my eggs moldy, old and rotten?  Is my uterus hostile and issuing a no trespassing rule to all embryos? 

I am fairly certain that my DH, with his 'superman' and 'studly' sperm, is not the problem.  I HATE that, with all the advances in technology, there is no explanation for why a seemingly basic function of the human body is impossible for me to attain.  They can build a freaking robot that can crush Ken Jennings in a Jeopardy game, but they can't figure out how to get my body to do what the simplest of species have been easily accomplishing for years!!!  It makes me crazy sometimes.  Why can't those damn computer-building scientists create a  robotic uterus simulator  that has a 100% implantation  and live birthing success rate. Is that too much to ask?

Barring the uterus-robot option (which I can't imagine my RE taking seriously, despite its serious marketing potential), I really have to think about what I should do next.  I am going in with some more and less radical options to discuss:

1.  Another round of IUI with injectibles
2.  Another round of IVF with OE (although I am seriously afraid that the side effects of these medications will be as rough on my body as they were last time).
3.  Donor Eggs - I am pretty okay with the idea of not being genetically related to my child.  Unfortunately,  my DH is far more attached to his own genes (hence, the hold-up on considering adoption which I REALLY would love to do).
4.  Surrogacy

My mind and spirit are eternally willing to do whatever it takes to become a mom... sadly, my body seems to have a different idea thus far.....  *sigh*

I shall keep you posted.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Dear Cycle Day One

Dear Cycle Day One,

I am writing to express my extreme dislike for you and everything that you stand for!!!  I hate the way you dash dreams and stomp on hope.  And, you don't stop there oh evil cycle day one.  In case there is a moment's relief from your emotional torture, you deal out your second weapon.........  the physical punches and cramps to the uterus!!!  Really?  Really Cycle Day 1?  What have I ever done to you?  Are you dealing with some sort of repressed rage from your childhood?  What?  Tell me!!! 

Although Cycle Days 2 and 3 aren't exactly peachy keen either, at least they bring some courage to consider new options.   To move forward as the pain simultaneously fades from the gut, both physically and emotionally..........

Cycle Day one, please understand that there is a way for us to put these hard feelings behind us.  I have come up with a solution that could result in us even becoming BFFs....  Do NOT appear again for at least nine months.  How 'bout it?  Pretty please.



Friday, March 4, 2011

Hope sucks

Hope does not float like the damn movie title implies. Hope sinks. Hope sucks. Yup. You guessed it. BFN. Guess all the false positives were leftover trigger afterall. The worst part is, I told myself I would try something different if this iui failed. Now that it has failed, I have no idea what that different thing is. I've exhausted all my options. Infertility bites!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


I think my exact words yesterday were... "I'm not entirely crazy"...  That was yesterday.... but by 4:00 this afternoon, there is a very good chance that I have officially reached craziness in its fullest entirety...  You asked if I was going to test today.....  The answer to that should be "no.  that would be silly and unreasonable and ridiculous.  Why would I test a mere twelve hours after testing yesterday."  Uh. Huh.  That should be the answer!!  Should've, could've... obviously DIDN'T!

However, here is an outline of my day (I already mentioned that my sanity is currently in question right?)

5:45 - woke up.  first thought "I have a great idea for an awesome morning activity.  I should pee on a stick." ... which resulted in a BFN at time limit..... followed by a BFP when I woke up again at 7:15 and psychotically grabbed it from the garbage bin.

7:30 - needed to clear up the confusion.. what better way to do that than pee again with a different brand stick.  that should do it.... awesome results (insert sarcastic icon here) BFN at time limit followed by a BFP about an hour later.... Clear as mud.

10:30 - despite a serious lack of pee, I bought a FRER to try again.... the box says results as soon as 5 days before your expected period....  finally!  A true answer..... BFN!!!  Apparently not the answer I wanted....Grrrr......  Obviously it was the weak and pathetic pee sample, my lame brain thinks and sooooo....

3:30 - back to the cheapies at home.....  nice solid stream of pee this time (TMI... ugh).  And guess what?  BFN followed by a BFP after the time limit!!

Really?  Really?  Is this how it is going to be?  It is me against you stick!!!!! 

As the brilliant lyrics from one of my favorite childhood songs explains ...  I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY... 1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

9 dpiui and 10 days past trigger

It seems that the obnoxious truth about all addictions applies to pee stick addicts too....It feels good in the moment, but the aftermath ain't so pretty.... I knew it as soon as the pee hit the stick..... I tried to take it back.... but it was too late....

And the most ambiguous and completely frustrating part..... there was a very, very ridiculously light second line, which may or may not be the HCG trigger. (10 days post trigger today)....  the line was only visibly at certain angles (I swear it was there though.  I verified it with my DH so I am not entirely crazy... )....

Soooo wasn't that helpful.... Please send me all the BFP vibes that you got.....:)

 I'll keep you posted.


Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bad, Bad Blogger (slap, slap...)

I blame it on the clomid!!  I blame it all on the clomid!!!   Everything!!  My absence and lazy blogging ways... all the fault of the clomid.... which is completely in line with my life motto:  always blame negative life situations on something that is NOT my fault!!  I used to blame everything on the weather.  Oh... I am lazy today... must be because of the cold.... or... Can't clean the house today.... the humidity is giving me a headache....I sucked at my soccer game today... probably because the grass is wet from yesterday's rain:)  SO now that I am on the clomid, the weather has taken a backseat and I have a new and awesome place to lay the blame....  I snap at my DH and then claim, "It's the fertility meds (obviously this comment is spoken in the most whiny and pathetic voice that I can muster)... 
But, alas, the clomid is not all rainbows and awesomeness.... (surprise, surprise).  It seriously is making each muscle in my body feel as if it weighs a solid tonne!  To lift one arm up out of bed in the morning feels like I am taking a full-on body pump, weight-lifting class at the gym.  The fatigue is like none other that I have ever experienced in my life. 

But enough about my excuses and lazy arse.  Here is what you missed on my TTC journey:

IUI #1 - 50 mg of clomid made one little follie, which was combined with some lame amount of sperm to result in a BFUDN - BIG FAT UGLY DISGUSTING NEGATIVE!

IUI#2 - 50 mg of clomid made TWO promising-looking beautiful follies... which combined with some insane, ridiculous, almost scarily creepy amount of sperm (the nurse on day one called my husband SUPERMAN and on day two he was called a STUD).  Seriously, I may have set records for the most amount of sperm ever injected into a body over a 48 hour span.  I should check into guiness for that one.  I think by the end of it all,  there were about 500 million post-wash little spermy dudes swimming inside me.....Too bad none of the little studs noticed my two beautiful little eggs.... Yup.  Half a billion sperm, but apparently all of them were too good for my eggs.  My DH said that maybe they were partying too hard together and forgot to notice the two pretty girls in the corner (sort of like him in university)....   Needless to say... sperm and eggs did not unite.... resulting in another BIG FAT AND HORRIBLY AWFUL HEART-WRENCHING NEGATIVE.

IUI#3 - 50 mg of clomid that, for some unknown reason, decided to go back to giving me just one follie... which combined with another insane (but not guiness-worthy) amount of sperm.... with the outcome TBA....    I'll keep you posted.  I swear.... but, if I don't....  it is obviously the fault of the fertililty meds.... or the weather:)