Hoping for the best but expecting the worst

I can't believe how different I am going into this IVF cyle.  The me that existed before my first IVF  is pretty much non-existent now.  Before IVF#1, I was so incredibly naive and optimistic.  I believed, with almost 100% certainty, that this was it...the magic wand required to cure all my infertility woes.  The doctor told me she saw no reason it wouldn't work.  60% success rate was the stat she quoted for me.   All of the laws of probability were aligned in my favor.  And who am I to question doctors and probability laws?  I was practically buying maternity clothes and painting a nursery before IVF #1.  But that was then....

And this is now....

I will never forget the simultaneous feelings of shock and devestation that seeped throughout my body when I first found out that the IVF had, in fact, defied the probability laws and failed.  My heart numbed a little bit that day.  And I progressively numbed a little more each time another medically assisted cycle failed. 

And so I go into this cycle a little more tainted, a little less hopeful.... and a lot more numb.   I have tried to build up a protective wall around me that cannot be penetrated by yet another failure. 

When I think of  all of the possible implications of another IVF,...money spent... medical side effects that my body will be forced to endure....non-stop needles and medical appointments..... cancelled vacations....all of those things are entirely irrelevant when compared to the most significant  and overriding potential implication........ it might not work.... ....and then I will be left to put myself back together, yet again.... I will be required to muster up the energy to put a smile on my face as my friends talk about their babies and pregnancies... and speak to me with voices laced with pity.... I will be required to pretend that it is okay... to fight back the tears.... and go on living... with a little more numbness....

And so when lovely advice-giving folk say that you have to be positive.... that you have to believe it is going to work... throw it out to the universe.... use the freakin' Secrets... they obviously don't understand the potential horrific implications of positivity.... positivity can set you up for unprotected ,RAW, gut-wrenching failure...

I have wholeheartedly embraced optimism in the past... My mantra for a year was dripping with syrupy optimism... Optimism despite my first miscarriage.  Optimism despite finding out my tubes were allegedly blocked.... Optimism despite thousands of snow-white pregnancy sticks... 

And you know what?  Contrary to the advice-givers predictions, optimism did not work.... positivity did not magically result in a successful pregancy.  I tried it all... unfailing positivity ...  I dreamed.... I stood strong...I threw it out to the universe.... I told myself that it WOULD work.... no room for failure......no space for negativity.... but it failed anyway.  The universe didn't care.... and so now I will do it my way.

As the brilliant lyrics said it best, I go in to this IVF "hoping for the best but expecting the worst"...

Translation:  I will thicken my walls with numbness to prepare for the worst case scenario.,,, But despite my efforts,  I will never be able to rid myself of that pesky, yet brilliant, God-given gift of hope!

Cheers.