Saturday, October 1, 2011

In case anyone is wondering...

The Ivf was another colossal bust!! I've been handling the news far better than I ever imagined I would. It is eery really. Like I've detached some part of my brain from myself in order to protect me from losing it entirely. Maybe I've created another personality somewhere who is mourning the Ivf failure (been watching too much of the show the united states of Tara lately:)

I have been staying away from the Internet; hence, my lack of blogging. And not really talking much, even when asked, about the whole infertlity thing. My pat response is "it is what it is." I guess I'm just tired and worn down. And sorta lost my desire to least for now. But I'm okay with that. I need a break. Although I do have one sole surviving blast to consider... that's for another day. As for today.... I'll enjoy wine, hot baths, sleeping in, a needle-free lifestyle and a strangely calm state of mind.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

There's Some Good News and There's Some Bad News...

Good News:  10 eggs retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 6 are still alive and kicking this two days after retrieval.

Bad News:  The retrieval was a horrible experience for both DH and myself.  I went into shock, likely from the meds, the nurse said.... all through the account of DH since I remember nothing.... apparently my blood pressure went to 60/40 and I was unresponsive for over 2 hours... my DH still can't talk about it much, saying that it traumatized him... he apparently thought I was dead.  I will spare some of the other details, but the nurse said this has happened before, although it is rare. 

Good News:  I'm still alive and blood pressure is normal!

Bad News:  I have some symptoms of hyperstimulation...shortness of breath, weight gain and lightheadedness.....  went to my RE today and she cleared me and gave me an inhaler for my breathing.

Good News:  The lab tech guy called and said that my RE only wants to go to day 5 blast stage if I have 6 perfect embryo.  Apparently, 2 days after retrieval the ideal embryo have 4 cells.  Two of my embryo have 4 cells (tech said those ones are good so far), two of the other embryo have 3 cells (tech said those are likely okay too).

Bad News:  The other two embryo are 7 and 8 cell, whatever that means.  The tech guy said he doesn't like to use the word 'bad' to describe embryo, but I got the implied picture.  So it looks like I won't be trying to get to blast.

Good News:  I will likely get to transfer two embryo tomorrow, which I have wanted all along.... my RE was strongly recommending (read:  demanding) that I only tranfer one if they made it to blast stage.

So tomorrow is a big day!  Two beautiful beautiful embryo will be transferred and hopefully snuggle comfortably in my uterus, prepared to stay there for a solid nine months!!!


Monday, September 5, 2011

All My Eggs in One Basket.

Not sure if it was an IFer who came up with that expression about the eggs in a basket, but it is fitting - both literally and metaphorically for me tomorrow.  The precious little eggs that are being retrieved tomorrow at 8am will fill my last little basket of hope.   Since my DH says this is the end of the road for him, I feel like I only have this one basket left.  And all my eggs are in it (hopefully at least 8 mature ones, at that)....
Please, please, please may you make my dreams come true little eggies!!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Please Allow Me to Vent!

Warning:  Do not read on if you do not enjoy a good old I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself Eeyore-type sob post.   AND do not read on if you want to be uplifted or feel positive and optimistic about infertility or life in general.

BUT do read on if you feel like crap and subscribe to the belief that misery enjoys company. 
AND do read on if you are craving empathy because you are hyped up on an insane amount of unnatural drugs and feel like lashing out at someone, anyone.... throwing something even, preferably something really expensive and breakable that does not belong to you... because life is unfair and even though you rationally know that it is unfair and you just have to accept it and 'it is what it is' as they say.... and all those other pretty beautifully poetic platitude crap might be believable tomorrow..but today the unfairness just plain sucks!  sucks!  sucks!  As in, bites the big one!!  As in, no person should ever ever be permitted to inject this much fake hormone into their body and then run free in the streets.  As in, I am not responsible for what I do or say officer.  Just check my E2 levels at the clinic.  That'll explain it all.  And I'm pretty sure that evidence is permissable in the court of law..... Ah but I digress:)

Now that that is out of my system, I can give you a report on my latest and certainly not greatest IVF cycle.  It began by moving in a reasonably smooth direction.  I have been taking the lowest dose of gonal-f that is typically prescribed, 75 units (not sure exactly what the unit is... perhaps gonal-f should be measured in madness... as in 75 units of madness is being injected into my body daily).  I had 9 follies on day 5 which is allegedly quite a respectable count.  All along the nurse kept telling me I would likely get about 11 eggs at the time of the retrieval.  Again.  Respectable.  Perhaps not as good as my last retrieval which yielded 18 eggs, but they told me from the get-go that I would have fewer eggs with the goal of achieving quality over quantity this go round.  And so each morning, the nurse told me that all was looking good and my retrieval would likely be Monday with about 11 eggs.

Fast forward to today.  A new nurse enters.  Perhaps the weekend nurse?  She tells me that if I trigger today I will get 3 mature eggs.  If I trigger tomorrow we might MIGHT MIGHT be able to get seven.  OKAY.  Not the end of the world.  Seven eggs with a retrieval on Tuesday instead of Monday.  Interferes SIGNIFICANTLY with my work schedule, but I can live with that.  But BEST CASE SCENARIO SEVEN EGGS!!!  Grrrrrr......  My brain erupted with  completely unjustified, 100% distorted anger!  I had 11 bloody eggs for my IUI when I only wanted 3 and now I'm lucky if I get SEVEN! 

As I drove home and my mind was swimming with completely unfounded anger, which is probably my way of covering up the true feeling that is running the show... fear and worry.... that I will be disappointed yet again.  That this is the end of the road.  The end of a dream.  The final curtain closing with no hope for an encore.

In my swimmingly angry (masking fearful) mind, I did the math.  I, of course, imagined the worse.  I compared the numbers to my last IVF cycle and decided that, based on sound statistical mathematics (see below), I certainly will have no embryos survive:

Last cycle:
18 eggs
15 (or 83%) mature
6 (or 40%) fertilized
6 embryos made it to day 3

This cycle (hypothetical based on last cycle):
7 eggs
6 (if I'm lucky) mature
2 embryo make it to day 3
BUT my RE wants me to go to day 5..... which means I only have two embryo to fight the difficult five day battle................ which will obviously result in ZERO survivors.

So there you have.  Sound proof that the whole world is unfair.  This cycle is a complete bust.  The world is coming to a swift and painful end.  (fear not - that last paragraph is not intended to be my final cry for help.... just mocking myself and the spazzy way my mind can work)

In an attempt to prevent my spiralling mind from circling into the depths of insanity,  I will try to conjure up the rational part of my brain that has been temporarily rendered inactive due to the 75 (X9) units of madness that have been injected into my body.  

Here goes.  The positive self-talk that is eeking up from below the mess of hormonal madness,which is barely audible at times.

It only takes one!  ONE!  ONE!!!! ONE embryo to make my dream become a reality. 
I am using ICSI rather than regular old IVF this time, which may help with the somewhat abysmal fertility rate and give me a few more embryos to fight it out to day 5.  I may have better quality eggs this time, which is the goal.  BUT Most importantly - negativity sucks!  It sucks the life out of me and everyone around me and, beyond that,  it certainly doesn't help the situation.... EVER!

Reminds me of one of the most inspirational quotes that I have encountered during this journey:

If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose? ~Robert Brault

Today I am trying desperately to continue to choose hope.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Fresh IVF #2 Take 2

As I was driving for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday, my mood was totally different than last time.  I was neutral.  Not even a little bit excited.  Waiting for the news of a massive cyst.  Or some other bodily horror that only I seem able to produce. 

So when they found three small cysts, I was done.  I called DH.  Told him I was throwing in the towel.  That I absolutely could not take this any  more.  Always the dramatic one, I said that all of these meds were going to be the death of me.  Always the exaggerater, I then said that starting and stopping meds one million times per month is NOT normal and surely going to kill me! 

Given my readiness to give up, what happens next seems fairly obvious in my strange world of contradictions.  The nurse calls to tell me that my estrogen levels are fine.  That I can proceed to the next step and start my stims the next morning.  What?  So let me get this straight.  Last cycle.  One cyst.  RE said it should be fine.  Cycle cancelled.  This cycle.  Three cysts.  RE expressed concerned.  Cycle is good to go.  Apparently the cysts from this cycle are not of the estrogen-sucking variety (not exactly the medical term, but my translation).

My body is like the boy in high school that wants the girl to like him but does not want to commit.  Each time that he sees that she might just be ready to move on with her life, he feeds her just enough attention to give her hope.  To keep her hanging on. So too, my body has fed me my little dangling carrot of hope.  And like the silly school girl, I will not move on from this infertility battle.  I will not throw in the towel.  I will hang on for one more day.  And hope and pray that this cycle is the one.  That somehow this time things will be different and I won't end up with a broken heart.

Since Friday, I have been taking gonal-f at the lowest possible dose to avoid OHSS.  I return for an ultrasound on Tuesday.  Please, please, please... do not lead me on anymore.  Make a commitment already!!! 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


The IVF cycle was cancelled.... I was unhappy.... I pity partied for 48 hours... I started to get over it....  I accepted that my retrieval would not be until September... I settled in to wait for AF.... her ETA was approximately two weeks, but I was warned that she may be a little late because of the meds....I decided to wait calmly and enjoy the peace... maybe even, dare I say, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty....bold, I know.... All was well......  BUT THEN....

Just for fun...  my body decided to cramp... for added kicks it threw in some bright red unusual bleeding and a (sorry tmi) yeast infection... WAHHHH!!!  Called the clinic.... long story short... they have no flippin' idea...  not sure if this is AF or not....told me to wait to see if I get 'full flow'.....what is a full damn flow anyway....what sort of measuring stick do I have to measure 'full'... pretty scientific term 'full'...

To top it off, two of my facebook "friends" (and those quotes are EXTREMELY necessary) are complaining about accidental pregnancies.... one  only wanted three kids, but 'oops' she is having a fourth... the other doesn't get to go back to work long enough to get proper unemployment insurance because she got pregnant too quickly.... seriously?  seriously?  pregnant and too quickly are three words that should never ever be written consecutively in any spot that I can read them....

Other than that... I'm well.... been a great summer:)


Thursday, July 14, 2011


The cyst grew.  My cycle got cancelled.  I took the month off of work for nothing.  My thigh has thousands of needle prick marks for nothing.  Too bummed to say more.