Saturday, October 16, 2010

Oh Facebook. Why do you punish me so??

Wow.   People read these bloggy things.  Who knew?  Very cool.  I'm not really a techy sort so I'm not sure how to make my page look pretty as of yet.  But my first seven comments certainly are motivating.  You all seem so warm, empathic, understanding and welcoming. 

A lot different than logging on to my facebook site, which is currently infested with ultrasound pics, pregnancy complaint statuses, excited-to-be-a-mommy-even-though-my-baby-just-vomitted-on-my-shoe statuses or, my personal favorite... the series pictures called 'watch my baby grow' where the infant is leaning precariously on a cutsy sign that declares their age in months.... 'Johnny at '1 month', 'Johnny  at '2 months', 'Johnny at 3 months', etc. etc.  Joyously counting the months as new mommies enjoy their babies and create new memories.... and I do not.  My life continues in this strange holding pattern that has been my reality for years.   In my worst nightmares, I picture myself logging onto facebook after a lifetime that has remained static and unchanged....and there is a white-haired, wrinkly-faced Johnny leaning on his cane and holidng up his sign 'Johnny at 1068 months.'  

As part of my inspire group (nice website, btw), I started a discussion called 'Facebook Statuses that I Couldn't Use On Facebook'.   Here are some samples of what I would love to have written throughout my IVF journey... if only I had the nerve.  It sort of makes me simultaneously giggle and squirm as I imagine what some of my facebook friends would be thinking while reading them.       I use the screen name 'soccer' on the resolve board... the reason for that choice is a story for another blogging day. 

Soccer.... drank too many glasses of wine last night because she couldn't bear another pregnancy facebook status update.

Soccer.. 's frozen embryos turned two months old today. My - they grow up so quickly.

Soccer...'s vajayjay has been seen by 10 people this month... and counting!

Soccer... feels something kicking in her belly. Oh wait. Maybe it is just severe cramping from Ovarian Hyperstimulation syndrome.

Soccer... wishes that you would have told me earlier that 'just relaxing' would unblock both of my fallopian tubes. You could have saved me thousands of dollars!

Soccer... would like to take the opportunity to thank all of her pregnant facebook friends who have kindly shared every last gory detail of their pregnancy symptoms. In doing so, you have allowed me to feel what it is like to be pregnant.... at least the nausea part of it!

Soccer... has already heard the story of the friend of the friend of yours. The miracaulous lady who has gone through menopause, has two blocked tubes and her ovaries stuck to her armpits. But somehow, someway she still gave birth to healthy quintuplets. Only after she stopped trying so hard. But thanks for sharing again!

Soccer... is concerned that some of you did not get my memo outlining my feelings about your swollen ankles, ultrasound pics and morning sickness. And so I will summarize briefly for those of you who missed it............. DON'T CARE! Thanks. And have a great day.

Soccer... hopes that you enjoy looking at her new ultrasound profile pic. Oh no - the little bump you see in the image is not a growing baby... just a massive ovarian cyst. Isn't it precious?

Soccer... would like to send out a big congratulations to her darling husband. Spectacular results on the semen anaylis today honey. XOXO.
Soccer... shot up in the parking lot halfway through the reception at her friend's wedding . Nothing compares to the high of your first HCG trigger shot.... especially when you get to pull down your nylons to find the perfect thigh spot! Ah....

Soccer... does not understand how she has contracted the flu, once again. I agree - it seems strange that it recurs every time she is invited to a baby shower. The doctors are looking into it. They have a few theories... they suspect she may be allergic to the guess-the-size-of-the-mom-to-be's-belly-using-a-ribbon-game....

Soccer.... wrote a Christmas song for the holiday season (sung to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas). On the fifth day of Christmas my infertility gave to me FIIIIIVVVE ovarian cysts, four stages of endo, three fibroids, two blocked tubes and an inability to ah-ah-view-late!!!

Soccer...'s estrogen is amped up to an unnatural level, resulting in random sobbing, anger, rage and possible homicidal tendencies...... so keep you and your progeny away.... far, far away.

Soccer... is currently experiencing the longest two weeks of her existence.... And waiting isn't really her thing....Does anyone know the difference between feelings of constipation and implantation?

Soccer... can't decide what to get her frozen embies for Christmas this year... damn kiddy stores never seem to carry their sizes... thought of hats, scarves and sweaters to keep them warm??..... but... we all know what happened to Frosty the Snowman

Soccer.... rang in the New Year with some pregnancy advice from a dude who was, and I quote, "very proud" of himself for knocking up his wife after only three months of trying.. So... apparently all I have to do is eat well and take vitamins. I was unaware that eating an apple would be more effective than having a pre-made embryo inserted directly into my uterus... All you fertiles should publish books or something!! You'd put the fertility clinics out of business for sure.. Thank you kindly for your continued USELESS advice.

Soccer.... had a little chunk of her uterus removed this week... how many people can say that they have experienced the joy of viewing a little piece of their innards floating in water as the doctor reports, "looks good." oh... the blessings of infertility!

Soccer... just got another BFN... And for all of you fb "friends" out there that don't know what BFN stands for, here is a lesson in acronyms 101... It stands for "DO NOT COME WITHIN A MILE RADIUS OF ME FOR AT LEAST A WEEK... LONGER IF YOU ARE GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS"



  1. Love it! Well, you know...I don't LOVE it, its crushing. But in the realm of crushing, it makes for a great laugh. And we DO have to laugh sometimes, right? Thanks for sharing!

  2. You know you can hide people and certain posts on facebook? I had to do that to a couple of friends for a bit. glad your enjoying blogging.

  3. Welcome to blogging. Great post.
    Come visit my blog. It's part of my non profit. We always need help spreading the word. Become a follower.

  4. thank you for your honesty!!!!! also, you should know that at least one other person out there shares your facebook pain (though i suspect there are MANY of us) at one point before i deleted my profile (which was EXTREMELY difficult to do--facebook is addictive) i actually did math wherein i divided the number of friends i had with the number of friends i have whos profile pics were of either a baby or a fetus, to discover that something like 19% of my friends photos were of babies or fetuses. actually, i think it was 18.6%, but i'm rounding up. and no, i am not kidding.

  5. So very true! My favorite this morning "You know you're a mom when you open the dishwasher..." seriously the freaking kitchen isn't even safe any more? Ugh....

  6. laughed out loud at "johnny at 1068 months." i'm grateful very few of my facebook friends are newly pregnant or recently gave birth. Is it wrong to secretly wish that my friends that aren't yet ttc will have issues when they do??


  7. I am visiting from your blog! Nice to meet you!

  8. And this is where it's a good thing to be older! All of my FB friends have status updates like: "I'm really tired of people telling me I need a man to be happy in life. I am a successful, world-travelled doctor with great friends and family. What am I missing?" or "I need a job." Sure, there are some kid updates, but I don't think I've seen an ultrasound picture.

    I love the shout out to the husband on the great SA!

  9. Stumbled across your blog somehow and absolutely LOVED this post. I,too, wish I had the nerve to post some FB statuses like this. So, so true.