Another Day, Another Cycle

So.... After finding out that I ovulated and definitely BD'ed at exactly the right time,  I did the calculation in my head.  Simple math really.  Egg + Sperm = conception....    I checked off all the required boxes.  Egg where it should be.  Check.  Boatloads of sperm swimming around the egg.  Check.  Conception.  Big fat X.  Negative.  Nadda.

It is weird that after 30+ months of disproving that simple mathematical equation, I still believe that this will be "the" month.  That somehow, some way, this will be the month of the miracle.  After 100+  single lined pregnancy tests, I continue to torture myself.  I continue to buy them and to twist and turn them around... hold them up to the lamp...  willing the second line to show itself... even if only as a shadow..

And I don't stop there.  Oh no.  That is clearly not enough self-torture for one month.  I then choose to believe that perhaps the one-lined pregnancy test is wrong.  That the 99.9% accuracy rate does not apply to me.   That my HCG hormones have somehow outwitted the silly pregnancy stick to save the surprise of my pregnancy for another day... 

And then I continue to hope... and I hope...

And then I spot some... but, obviously that is just implantation bleeding, I tell myself....

And I hope... And then I spot some more... A little too heavy to be implantation bleeding... but is it?  I remember what I read on google about the girl who filled a whole pad with blood during implantation...

And so I hope....  And hope some more.  And then....  inevitably....  AF rears her ugly head.  And all of my hoping has amplified the disappointment exponentially......

 So I promise myself that next month I will not hope again.  I will not care. 

And then next month rolls around.... 

And I start to hope again...

I suppose that having hope, despite all of my failed cycles is both a blessing and a curse....  It allows me to live to bear another cycle.... but it makes the day that AF announces my defeat so much more painful....it makes my hope feel so silly and wasted... it tests my faith continually..

All of this is a longwinded way of saying... I got my period.  

Bring on the clomid!!!  Refresh the hope!!!  Repeat!!  Repeat!!!  Repeat until I achieve the miraculously happy ending!!!

Cheers.

And then there was one.....

So, after years of diagnostic speculations, based both on incorrect medical procedures and random guessing (in my opinion).....  ONE diagnosis has stood the test of time.... ONE diagnosis has remained steadfast in describing my messed up hormonal state....  Give me a P... Give me a C.... Give me an O.... Give me an S....
Yaaaayyyy PCOS:(

In my follow-up appointment, my RE explained thoroughly (a pleasant change from my previous RE) all of the 'soft signs' leading to her diagnosis of PCOS.  I am apparently on the high end of the normal range for two types of male hormones.  As well, my LH: FSH ratio is not 1:1 (or something like that).... and I generally have an unpredictably and awesomely sporadic ovulatory system....

So now I know... and, as the infinitely profound GI Joe says, "Knowing is half the battle."    And so I will battle on....

Next steps:  Clomid and IUI.  Can't believe I have not yet tried clomid, the quintessential fertility drug.  Seems a necessary step to nicely round out my fertility resume.  I hear it makes you rather irritable and angry.  I sort of enjoy a good surge of anger at times... feels empowering and tough....  giving me some sort of superhero powers which  differ drastically from my usual mild-manner Clark Kent identity....It seems far better than the wimpy feelings of weepiness that many other fertility drugs have provoked.   

I must admit, though, I am somewhat afraid of hormone drugs.. especially given my history of icky side effects.   I would be grateful if anyone out there is willing to share their clomid experiences.  Thanx. 

Cheers.

The Romantic Life of the Infertile

Thanks for the 'woot woots' and support.

My DH was laughing when the fertility clinic said that, after they received my bloodwork results to confirm ovulation, they would call and give me directions for next steps..... He imagined the answering machine message as "Pay attention for your important next steps, which will be outlined in this phone message.......  Ready?...... Insert penis now." 

Who, besides the infertile woman, has ever had an answering machine message outlining next steps in their medical treatment that states....... "You should have intercourse today, tomorrow and the next day."  Seriously?  Who, besides the infertile woman, has ever had a full medical team dictating their sex life?  Romantic or what? 

I am headed out to see my RE again today.  Hopefully she will give me the results of the million tests and bloodwork that I have done.  Keeping my fingers crossed that there are no new diagnoses to add to my list.

Cheers.

The Egg Has Landed....

The results are in ..............................  and.............. (drum roll please....)....
I have ovulated!!  The egg took its damn sweet time to drop....but I have ovulated nonetheless...
Can I get a woot!  woot!

(aaaahhh... the small joys of the infertile....)