Thursday, December 16, 2010

Another Day, Another Cycle

So.... After finding out that I ovulated and definitely BD'ed at exactly the right time,  I did the calculation in my head.  Simple math really.  Egg + Sperm = conception....    I checked off all the required boxes.  Egg where it should be.  Check.  Boatloads of sperm swimming around the egg.  Check.  Conception.  Big fat X.  Negative.  Nadda.

It is weird that after 30+ months of disproving that simple mathematical equation, I still believe that this will be "the" month.  That somehow, some way, this will be the month of the miracle.  After 100+  single lined pregnancy tests, I continue to torture myself.  I continue to buy them and to twist and turn them around... hold them up to the lamp...  willing the second line to show itself... even if only as a shadow..

And I don't stop there.  Oh no.  That is clearly not enough self-torture for one month.  I then choose to believe that perhaps the one-lined pregnancy test is wrong.  That the 99.9% accuracy rate does not apply to me.   That my HCG hormones have somehow outwitted the silly pregnancy stick to save the surprise of my pregnancy for another day... 

And then I continue to hope... and I hope...

And then I spot some... but, obviously that is just implantation bleeding, I tell myself....

And I hope... And then I spot some more... A little too heavy to be implantation bleeding... but is it?  I remember what I read on google about the girl who filled a whole pad with blood during implantation...

And so I hope....  And hope some more.  And then....  inevitably....  AF rears her ugly head.  And all of my hoping has amplified the disappointment exponentially......

 So I promise myself that next month I will not hope again.  I will not care. 

And then next month rolls around.... 

And I start to hope again...

I suppose that having hope, despite all of my failed cycles is both a blessing and a curse....  It allows me to live to bear another cycle.... but it makes the day that AF announces my defeat so much more painful....it makes my hope feel so silly and wasted... it tests my faith continually..

All of this is a longwinded way of saying... I got my period.  

Bring on the clomid!!!  Refresh the hope!!!  Repeat!!  Repeat!!!  Repeat until I achieve the miraculously happy ending!!!

Cheers.

9 comments:

  1. Despite the nature of this post, you do sound uplifted, if not a bit sarcastic with it. Here's to the hope that this cycle is the one :)

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  2. I'm sitting in Annoyed-ville with you. I'm cd28, did some pregnancy tests earlier this week that were negative, so now I'm just PMSing and waiting for the next cycle. I do hope that the next cycle brings that positive for you.

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  3. A roller-coaster for sure - but not a fun one. Good luck...

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  4. Ugh...sorry you are still on repeat. Thinking of you!

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  5. Its insane isn't it? And yet so many of us do it. Sometimes as I go through the cycle I think of myself as Forrest Gump.. "life is like a box of chocolates.." Sure I'm a little simple, a little slow in the head to not figure this out after so many times, but I'm endearing. Me and Forrest. (and you, apparently!)

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  6. Keep the Hope...It's what makes us human and able to keep going!

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  7. Agh. Kinda like when the CD gets stuck and starts repeating itself. You just want to whack the hell out of it to get it to move on. Good luck to you. We are all holding out hope. :-)

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  8. This is exactally how I feel. I try to convinence myself at every step I could still be pregnant (if you have ever watched the show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" this solidifies your conviction that negative pregnancy tests and bleeding do not mean you are not pregnant). But, inevitably there comes the definitive answer when Aunt Flo is undeniable. Here's to the next egg+sperm=baby equation! :)

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