As I was driving for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday, my mood was totally different than last time. I was neutral. Not even a little bit excited. Waiting for the news of a massive cyst. Or some other bodily horror that only I seem able to produce.
So when they found three small cysts, I was done. I called DH. Told him I was throwing in the towel. That I absolutely could not take this any more. Always the dramatic one, I said that all of these meds were going to be the death of me. Always the exaggerater, I then said that starting and stopping meds one million times per month is NOT normal and surely going to kill me!
Given my readiness to give up, what happens next seems fairly obvious in my strange world of contradictions. The nurse calls to tell me that my estrogen levels are fine. That I can proceed to the next step and start my stims the next morning. What? So let me get this straight. Last cycle. One cyst. RE said it should be fine. Cycle cancelled. This cycle. Three cysts. RE expressed concerned. Cycle is good to go. Apparently the cysts from this cycle are not of the estrogen-sucking variety (not exactly the medical term, but my translation).
My body is like the boy in high school that wants the girl to like him but does not want to commit. Each time that he sees that she might just be ready to move on with her life, he feeds her just enough attention to give her hope. To keep her hanging on. So too, my body has fed me my little dangling carrot of hope. And like the silly school girl, I will not move on from this infertility battle. I will not throw in the towel. I will hang on for one more day. And hope and pray that this cycle is the one. That somehow this time things will be different and I won't end up with a broken heart.
Since Friday, I have been taking gonal-f at the lowest possible dose to avoid OHSS. I return for an ultrasound on Tuesday. Please, please, please... do not lead me on anymore. Make a commitment already!!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY ALREADY!!!
So....
The IVF cycle was cancelled.... I was unhappy.... I pity partied for 48 hours... I started to get over it.... I accepted that my retrieval would not be until September... I settled in to wait for AF.... her ETA was approximately two weeks, but I was warned that she may be a little late because of the meds....I decided to wait calmly and enjoy the peace... maybe even, dare I say, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty....bold, I know.... All was well...... BUT THEN....
Just for fun... my body decided to cramp... for added kicks it threw in some bright red unusual bleeding and a (sorry tmi) yeast infection... WAHHHH!!! Called the clinic.... long story short... they have no flippin' idea... not sure if this is AF or not....told me to wait to see if I get 'full flow'.....what is a full damn flow anyway....what sort of measuring stick do I have to measure 'full'... pretty scientific term 'full'...
To top it off, two of my facebook "friends" (and those quotes are EXTREMELY necessary) are complaining about accidental pregnancies.... one only wanted three kids, but 'oops' she is having a fourth... the other doesn't get to go back to work long enough to get proper unemployment insurance because she got pregnant too quickly.... seriously? seriously? pregnant and too quickly are three words that should never ever be written consecutively in any spot that I can read them....
Other than that... I'm well.... been a great summer:)
Cheers.
The IVF cycle was cancelled.... I was unhappy.... I pity partied for 48 hours... I started to get over it.... I accepted that my retrieval would not be until September... I settled in to wait for AF.... her ETA was approximately two weeks, but I was warned that she may be a little late because of the meds....I decided to wait calmly and enjoy the peace... maybe even, dare I say, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty....bold, I know.... All was well...... BUT THEN....
Just for fun... my body decided to cramp... for added kicks it threw in some bright red unusual bleeding and a (sorry tmi) yeast infection... WAHHHH!!! Called the clinic.... long story short... they have no flippin' idea... not sure if this is AF or not....told me to wait to see if I get 'full flow'.....what is a full damn flow anyway....what sort of measuring stick do I have to measure 'full'... pretty scientific term 'full'...
To top it off, two of my facebook "friends" (and those quotes are EXTREMELY necessary) are complaining about accidental pregnancies.... one only wanted three kids, but 'oops' she is having a fourth... the other doesn't get to go back to work long enough to get proper unemployment insurance because she got pregnant too quickly.... seriously? seriously? pregnant and too quickly are three words that should never ever be written consecutively in any spot that I can read them....
Other than that... I'm well.... been a great summer:)
Cheers.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Over.
The cyst grew. My cycle got cancelled. I took the month off of work for nothing. My thigh has thousands of needle prick marks for nothing. Too bummed to say more.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
And We're Off...... OR Not!
Fresh IVF Cycle #2
Part Three- A False Start
As I drove in for my baseline ultrasound, the sun was shining brightly. My mood was good as I cranked up and sang along to some summer tunes on the radio. I felt like my mind and spirit were finally completely prepared for this new IVF cycle...... as per usual though, my body was not.
Just when I thought my resume of infertility ailments was finally saturated, the next chapter of my journey is proving just as unpredictable as those that came before. Nice antral follicle count, says the nurse while giving me feedback on my baseline ultrasound. 16 on the right and 10 on the left. Yes! I privately congratulate myself, as if I carved the follies into my ovaries myself especially for the occasion!
And then, in quick passing, the nurse adds, "but..." Yup. There's always a but. "But... you have a relatively large cyst on the right as well. It shouldn't be a problem. We'll give you the gonal-f and check your blood to make sure your estrogen levels aren't too high. If you don't hear back from me then you can start the new medication tonight. It shouldn't be a problem. It is very unlikely that you'll hear from me." To which I reply, "Oh. I'm sure I'll be hearing from you then (Smile. Toss hair. Look breezy. Pretend I'm kidding)"
Sure enough. Right as scheduled... 1:00 sharp. I let the message go to voicemail.
"Well. Your estrogen levels are a little too high. I'm not too worried about it. It shouldn't be a problem (yeah... just like you said I wouldn't be getting this call!!). Just take your lupron for one more week. Don't start the gonal-f yet. We'll do another baseline ultrasound next Thursday and go from there."
And so, the countdown rewinds itelf.... T Minus 4 Days... here we go again. Like a bad case of deja vu.
P.S. If anyone reading this has any information on cysts before IVF, I would appreciate reading any or all stories. For some reason, I now have this nagging feeling that my cycle will need to be postponed until next month.... Grrr....
Cheers.
Part Three- A False Start
As I drove in for my baseline ultrasound, the sun was shining brightly. My mood was good as I cranked up and sang along to some summer tunes on the radio. I felt like my mind and spirit were finally completely prepared for this new IVF cycle...... as per usual though, my body was not.
Just when I thought my resume of infertility ailments was finally saturated, the next chapter of my journey is proving just as unpredictable as those that came before. Nice antral follicle count, says the nurse while giving me feedback on my baseline ultrasound. 16 on the right and 10 on the left. Yes! I privately congratulate myself, as if I carved the follies into my ovaries myself especially for the occasion!
And then, in quick passing, the nurse adds, "but..." Yup. There's always a but. "But... you have a relatively large cyst on the right as well. It shouldn't be a problem. We'll give you the gonal-f and check your blood to make sure your estrogen levels aren't too high. If you don't hear back from me then you can start the new medication tonight. It shouldn't be a problem. It is very unlikely that you'll hear from me." To which I reply, "Oh. I'm sure I'll be hearing from you then (Smile. Toss hair. Look breezy. Pretend I'm kidding)"
Sure enough. Right as scheduled... 1:00 sharp. I let the message go to voicemail.
"Well. Your estrogen levels are a little too high. I'm not too worried about it. It shouldn't be a problem (yeah... just like you said I wouldn't be getting this call!!). Just take your lupron for one more week. Don't start the gonal-f yet. We'll do another baseline ultrasound next Thursday and go from there."
And so, the countdown rewinds itelf.... T Minus 4 Days... here we go again. Like a bad case of deja vu.
P.S. If anyone reading this has any information on cysts before IVF, I would appreciate reading any or all stories. For some reason, I now have this nagging feeling that my cycle will need to be postponed until next month.... Grrr....
Cheers.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Fun Games with Needles
Fresh IVF Cycle #2.... the exciting journey continues.
Part Two- Fun with Needles
For the past ten days, I have had the unique experience of waking up to a well-balanced breakfast followed by a nice healthy needle stab to the thigh. Because of this once (or, in my case twice) in a lifetime opportunity, I felt that I should use this special time to reflect.... to ponder.... to consider... all of the fun things you can do with needles. Here's what I've come up with so far:
1. Needle ratings - Each morning, I rate my needle stab to see if I can come up with a personal best stab. How do you rate needle stabs, you ask....well, my ratings are based on a number of factors...insertion pain level, amount of blood left on the alcohol swab, and level of bruising.... And yesterday, June 29th, I had a personal best.... That's right... It might have even put professional needle stabbers to shame! Minimal to no pain, zero blood found upon needle removal and a mere dot left on the thigh to show for it! Take that Nadia Comaneci! A perfect TEN for needle stylings and technique!!! Pretty fun!
2. Needle-based conversations - At work, I started a very exciting conversation about needles. It began with another colleague and I (she has also done IVF). She said that she chose to do her needles in her stomache... to which I responded, "No way! Seriously. Thighs are waaayyy better." We then proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of thigh versus stomache needles... I know. Interesting huh? But it didn't stop there. Next, we played a very scintillating game of "Would you rather..." with other colleagues... We asked, "if given the choice would you rather have a needle in your thigh or stomache?" Minutes of entertainment for all! Pretty fun!
3. Thigh Artwork - Like an undiscovered blank pallet, my thigh used to be...but not anymore... thanks to needles of fun, my thigh is becoming a lovely piece of abstract art! The colours are stunning... pale purples, red, yellow outlines and soft greys...and, better than Picasso, the pallet is constantly changing!!! Pretty fun!
That's all I got for now... but I'm sure there will be more exciting adventures in needles to come....
T Minus 7 days until the stims begin!!
Thanks for your continued support!! It is greatly appreciated.
Cheers.
Part Two- Fun with Needles
For the past ten days, I have had the unique experience of waking up to a well-balanced breakfast followed by a nice healthy needle stab to the thigh. Because of this once (or, in my case twice) in a lifetime opportunity, I felt that I should use this special time to reflect.... to ponder.... to consider... all of the fun things you can do with needles. Here's what I've come up with so far:
1. Needle ratings - Each morning, I rate my needle stab to see if I can come up with a personal best stab. How do you rate needle stabs, you ask....well, my ratings are based on a number of factors...insertion pain level, amount of blood left on the alcohol swab, and level of bruising.... And yesterday, June 29th, I had a personal best.... That's right... It might have even put professional needle stabbers to shame! Minimal to no pain, zero blood found upon needle removal and a mere dot left on the thigh to show for it! Take that Nadia Comaneci! A perfect TEN for needle stylings and technique!!! Pretty fun!
2. Needle-based conversations - At work, I started a very exciting conversation about needles. It began with another colleague and I (she has also done IVF). She said that she chose to do her needles in her stomache... to which I responded, "No way! Seriously. Thighs are waaayyy better." We then proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of thigh versus stomache needles... I know. Interesting huh? But it didn't stop there. Next, we played a very scintillating game of "Would you rather..." with other colleagues... We asked, "if given the choice would you rather have a needle in your thigh or stomache?" Minutes of entertainment for all! Pretty fun!
3. Thigh Artwork - Like an undiscovered blank pallet, my thigh used to be...but not anymore... thanks to needles of fun, my thigh is becoming a lovely piece of abstract art! The colours are stunning... pale purples, red, yellow outlines and soft greys...and, better than Picasso, the pallet is constantly changing!!! Pretty fun!
That's all I got for now... but I'm sure there will be more exciting adventures in needles to come....
T Minus 7 days until the stims begin!!
Thanks for your continued support!! It is greatly appreciated.
Cheers.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
T Minus 12!
Fresh IVF Cycle #2.... the exciting journey so far.
Part One- Suprefect (suppressant medication to induce menopause-type rest of the ovaries. Counterintuitive? Perhaps. Sending the body into menopause in order to get pregnanct?? Who thinks of these things?? I guess it is supposed to assist in the calm before the storm.)
June 21st - Injection day one of suprefact, which was marked by a celebratory black and blue marking on my thigh! Bruise was massive and kinda awesome, shadowing the shape of my vein. So, of course, hypochondriacal me considered the possibility that I might have a blood clot. Because, you know, blood clots occur in 1 of a million or so patients. I have never won the lottery with those odds, but a blood clot... seems more likely my thing:)
June 22nd - Injection day two. Much better injection. Figured out that you should probably stop squeezing your thigh fat before you pull the needle out. Prevented the the geyser-type blood eruption that happened yesterday. Go figure. The things you learn during this journey. Decided that I probably did not have a blood clot.
June 23rd, 24th, and today - Becoming a seasoned needle veteran already. I have officially mastered the perfect squeeze and release thigh fat timing. Woot woot!
Side effects thus far - Unless you count the ones that have been conjured up in my always overactive imagination (e.g., the aforementioned blood clot), then I am happy to report that I am side-effect free! (knock on all surrounding available wood).
T Minus 12 days until I begin the big boy meds! Rest ovaries, rest.... the storm is a-brewing.
Cheers.
Part One- Suprefect (suppressant medication to induce menopause-type rest of the ovaries. Counterintuitive? Perhaps. Sending the body into menopause in order to get pregnanct?? Who thinks of these things?? I guess it is supposed to assist in the calm before the storm.)
June 21st - Injection day one of suprefact, which was marked by a celebratory black and blue marking on my thigh! Bruise was massive and kinda awesome, shadowing the shape of my vein. So, of course, hypochondriacal me considered the possibility that I might have a blood clot. Because, you know, blood clots occur in 1 of a million or so patients. I have never won the lottery with those odds, but a blood clot... seems more likely my thing:)
June 22nd - Injection day two. Much better injection. Figured out that you should probably stop squeezing your thigh fat before you pull the needle out. Prevented the the geyser-type blood eruption that happened yesterday. Go figure. The things you learn during this journey. Decided that I probably did not have a blood clot.
June 23rd, 24th, and today - Becoming a seasoned needle veteran already. I have officially mastered the perfect squeeze and release thigh fat timing. Woot woot!
Side effects thus far - Unless you count the ones that have been conjured up in my always overactive imagination (e.g., the aforementioned blood clot), then I am happy to report that I am side-effect free! (knock on all surrounding available wood).
T Minus 12 days until I begin the big boy meds! Rest ovaries, rest.... the storm is a-brewing.
Cheers.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Useless Advice I Want to Give Back
I'm not one to hog all of the fertiles wonderful words of useless advice without giving any back. Oh fertiles. Your random, unscientific words of wisdom. They mean so much to me. And so now I offer similar advice back to you.
Fertile Complaint: I never go out any more.
My Advice: I guess going out wasn't in God's plan for you.
Fertile Complaint: I feel fat.
My Advice: Being skinny just wasn't meant to be for you at this time in your life.
Fertile Complaint: I am so tired after having this baby.
My Advice: Just relax.
Fertile Complaint: My breasts have deflated after having the baby.
My Advice: Well, maybe you just aren't using the right positions. Have you considered standing on your head. Or learning to walk on your hands. That should keep those girls upright.
Fertile Complaint: I'm an anxious mom.
My Advice: I heard that if you go away on vacation all your worries will simply lift away. You'll come back and be a free-spirited mom without a care in the world. I know this lady who couldn't stop worrying about her kids for 10 years. Then she took a vacation. And now she even let's her kids run around in traffic without a helmet.
Fertile Complaint: I'm concerned that I may be pregnant again too soon.
My Advice: Don't adopt. Because everybody knows that adoption is a sure way to get pregnant.
You're welcome fertiles.
I'm there for you.
Cheers.
Fertile Complaint: I never go out any more.
My Advice: I guess going out wasn't in God's plan for you.
Fertile Complaint: I feel fat.
My Advice: Being skinny just wasn't meant to be for you at this time in your life.
Fertile Complaint: I am so tired after having this baby.
My Advice: Just relax.
Fertile Complaint: My breasts have deflated after having the baby.
My Advice: Well, maybe you just aren't using the right positions. Have you considered standing on your head. Or learning to walk on your hands. That should keep those girls upright.
Fertile Complaint: I'm an anxious mom.
My Advice: I heard that if you go away on vacation all your worries will simply lift away. You'll come back and be a free-spirited mom without a care in the world. I know this lady who couldn't stop worrying about her kids for 10 years. Then she took a vacation. And now she even let's her kids run around in traffic without a helmet.
Fertile Complaint: I'm concerned that I may be pregnant again too soon.
My Advice: Don't adopt. Because everybody knows that adoption is a sure way to get pregnant.
You're welcome fertiles.
I'm there for you.
Cheers.
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