Big Surprise.

That title is meant to be read with sarcasm.  As in 'Big Surprise'... the same damn thing happens every time so it is absolutely not in the least bit surprising.... it is as damn predictable as the sun rising in the morning... 
F*$% AF!! 
I'm angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, raging, pissed off, cursing the world!!!!

But mostly.....I'm just sad....

Cheers.

9 dpiui AGAIN!!

Here we go again.  True to cyclical form.  9 dpiui is, again, the day my brain starts to snap.  The day I start fondling my breasts 24/7 in an attempt to determine their plumpness.   I swear I may be arrested for indecent exposure with the amount of breast touching I have been doing.  "BUT officer.  I didn't mean to be inappropriate.  It's just that... that... I'm 9 dpiui.....I'm infertile.... I swear I NEVER behave like this outside my luteal phase. Please officer!"
 
According to my highly scientific observations, I'm guessing this cycle will be a bust.  As of yesterday, my already-tiny breasts significantly deflated to a horrifically flaccid balloon shape.  Bloating in my belly also deflated significantly.  Normally I would gladly lose a few pounds in a few days... but not on 9dpiui!   All signs lead to protegesterone departing from my body.  And as soon as my buddy progesterone leaves... there is a short pause... before 'HER' arrival!!  Oh progesterone - why must you leave me alone with my crazy redheaded aunt!!  She has no manners and always overstays her welcome.

Cheers.

How It All Went Down.

So here's how the whole wacky cycle went down.

I went to the clinic on Friday and was given my follie report.  The girls' sizes were: 18, 17, 17, 17, 15, 15, 15 and seemingly countless other smaller dudettes.  I think there were about fifteen follies altogether, although the numbers seemed to change depending on the ultrasound technician of the day.

Then the doctor told me that if I trigger today I would get one, two, three or four follies to mature and ovulate.  But if I trigger tomorrow then I would get at least seven to mature and ovulate.  He asked me what I would like to do (as if I had a say in the matter).  I asked if I had to decide right away or if I could have some time to think about it and call my DH.  He said he would come back after I talked it over with my DH.

I called my DH and he said, "Hey - with our percentage of success, I say we wait until tomorrow and get as many eggs as possible."  I was sort of surprised that he was willing to risk higher order multiples, but, as I said before... really?  I haven't had a successful pregnancy in 3 years and now 7 are going stick?  Come on."

So the doctor returns and I tell him that we have decided to wait to trigger until tomorrow......  I explained our reasons for the decision....  our success rate has been so low so far that we are willing to take the risk.  The doctor looked surprised, taken aback even.... and proceeded to spew out a series of profound analogies, like "You know.  You can play the lottery for twenty years and never win.  And then, all of the sudden, one day you are a billionnaire"  (HUH?)... and then, "You know.  You can speed down the highway at 120 km. for years... and one day you just might get caught."  (double HUH?).  Since when did the doctor turn into a philosopher?

After the analogies ended, the lectures began, "You know.  People think that they want multiples.  Like it would be fun.  But there are risks involved.  You could have premature babies.  They could be born at 20 weeks and not survive.  Even with twins, there are complications."  (What the?? I nodded to lecture like I was back in elementary school... yes sir.. yes sir...)

The conversation paused for a moment and I (probably stupidly) asked, "what is the highest order multiples you have ever had at this clinic."  To which he responded, "It doesn't matter what has happened before.  You could break records you know.  Like the lottery ticket."   Seriously? Seriously?  Back to the lottery ticket.

So then I asked, "Would you even do the IUI if I decided to trigger tomorrow with all of those eggs?" ...... crickets chirping.... no response.....  where did all the profound wisdom go?

I said, "So it would be timed intercourse if I trigger tomorrow then. With no IUI"  And the philosopher returned, "Timed intercourse is almost as risky as IUI....like the lottery."  (enough with the lottery already!!!).  And then, "The medical community has to recommend that you trigger today for safety."

WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!  WHY DID YOU MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I EVEN HAD AN OPTION!!!  GEESH!!!

So... in the end I triggered that day.... wouldn't want to win the lottery or anything.  Heaven forbid.

Had my first IUI yesterday morning and the second one today.  Today I asked how many follies matured and ovulated and the doctor said that he can't be sure (surprise, surprise).  But he can tell that at least two dropped.  And DH's sperm counts were true to form... 'stellar', as the nurse said......

Could this be the winning combo?  More than one egg plus stellar sperm!!! Please, please, please......

Cheers.

Too beautiful

As with all extremes, there is such thing as too beautiful. My doc yesterday said that I responded "too beautifully" to the injectables. Two days ago I was just beautiful and now I am too beautiful. Go figure. Turns out there are eleven follies brewing in there. First doc said that means I have a 50/50 chance of overstimulating and making too many eggs for an iui. And all this using the lowest possible dose of gonal-f. Unlike the rest of my being, turns out my ovaries are overachievers. DH is somewhat excited about the prospect of our own reality show. He figures we need to have one more than eight...squeak in just enough kids to show up John and Kate. :). I think the concern about multiples is both funny and ironic. Haven't had a viable pregnancy after trying for three years. We've been through 50 follies including iui and ivf. Not one has stuck. And now we are concerned about multiples. Ah... Only in the infertile world.

Cheers.

I SPOKE TOO SOON!!

UPDATE:

Guess I got a little too cocky in my last post....bragging about my allegedly beautiful response to stims.... declaring to the world that my body didn't respond in a stupid and ridiculous way for once.... 

Well my notions of beauty, it appears, were merely a short-lived illusion... an illusion that was dashed by the lovely answering machine message that was awaiting my arrival when I got home....

"Hi.  It's the clinic.  I know that the doctor told you that you didn't have to come in tomorrow, but, after reviewing your bloodwork, he wants you to come in afterall.  It seems that your estrogen levels have shot up too quickly and he needs to monitor you and possibly change your medication dosage."

Now that sounds more like something my body would do.  Oh well.  At least I got a small glimpse of what it might feel like to be beautiful and uncomplicated....

Cheers.

Are you sure you mean me?

So. An unprecedented event occurred today at approximately 9:00 am. An official certified RE uttered the words "your body" and "responded" and "beautifully" all in the exact same sentence. Not your body overresponded or didn't respond or responded in a stupid ridiculous way yet again. Nope. Beautifully. Oh yeah. I'm beautiful. Three and possibly four beautiful beautiful follies. Come on pretty girls. You can do this.

Today I Am Thankful For......

And in the latest edition of "count your blessings, even if they seem ridiculous..."

Today I am thankful for.....

• THIGH FAT!

Oh yeah.  Who would've ever thunk it.  Makes the needles a hell of a lot easier.  
No major side effects yet (fingers crossed).

:) Cheers.

IUI NUMBER FOUR!

"They" say that your chances of having a successful IUI decreases significantly after three failed attempts.  Who are "they" anyway? 

I am in the process of ending my pity-party.... perhaps just a few more boxes of cookies and some ice cream .... and then.. and then.... look out!  I am moving into this fourth IUI cycle with a fighting attitude......   The weapon of choice... injectables!  Starting tonight....

It's "they" against me... and I'm determined to prove "they" wrong!!!  (gulp. please. pretty please.)

Cheers.

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Infertility

All I ever needed to know I learned from Infertility.  These are the things I learned:

• Friends don't need to provide solutions.  Just to listen without judgement or bias. 
• When a situation seems ridiculously unfair, make a joke about the absurdity of it all.  You just might laugh.
• No matter how bad things seem, you eventually need to get out of bed and face another day.
• Time is measured in cycles.  Some cycles are better than others.
• You are not alone.  Someone else is struggling too. 
• Be sensitive to others.  You never know what personal battles they are facing. 
• Even when life is not perfect, don't forget to count your blessings.
• Appreciate those who love you.  Even when they don't know what to say to make it better.
• You can't control all your life circumstances.  Only your responses to them.
• Be good to yourself.  
• Pity parties - when applied sparingly - can be very therapeutic.  You don't have to be happy all the time.
• Jealousy is human.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  But don't let it run your life.
• Life doesn't always go according to plan.  That doesn't mean you get to give up.

So many things that you need to know are in there somewhere.  Empathy, self-care, endurance, love and daily living.   And, when all is said and done, my hope is that the final infertility lesson is this:  the things that you appreciate most in life are those that you fought hardest to achieve!


Cheers.